I can't put it back together, but it's not gone forever, He's never gone and will never go. I love, but I'm hesitant. At the sight I fall, though I've never seen. How can something so big just be made up? The evidence everywhere, but no where to be found. It's no comparison to Santa Claus, though, how could one know? I can't compare it, I don't want to compare it, that will only ruin everything. To redo is to unchop, because you chopped your mind and faith into pieces the first time you tried to deal. Now finding those pieces seem to be impossible, though, it would be much harder if He wasn't already helping, so it's no use to keep asking.

How can I know He hears me? I just know. There's no denying He's heard when that tug on my heart cries out and distracts me from everything else, no matter how important it may seem. I can't deny it, I don't want to. No one ever can, just look around you. But why does that very thing discourage so many hopeful people? I have no trouble believing, but is it like that wise stranger said, it's just in my head, not in my heart? When I heard that, it rang true, but not in the way I wanted. When I heard Him, it rang true, in every way hope can bring. But now when someone tells me it's just in my head (no one but myself now), it doesn't seem right, because now I know it's not.

It's definitely something different, though, unknown to my mind for the time being, I somehow know that it is something I may not be able to put back together. That's what scares me more than anything. He forgives, and He makes those sins float away just like the desperate clouds in the sky. Except for the fact that's always in the back of your mind- they're always there. You always have memory, whether you remember or not - whether you choose to remember or not. It happened, but they just float away. They fade into oblivion, forever and always.

He can make you and anybody else forget if He wants to. You must ask Him. He won't let go until you change your mind, but does it have to be a conscious state of mind? I know what I'm thinking and I know what I want to think. My thoughts seem to be so controlled, quarintined in a cell I made myself, slipping out one by one like flys sneaking pass you as you open the door to the house. If I think what I really think, I may not be able to go back and rebuild my sanctuary. I have no place in Heaven now, never did, I've never been worthy. Now, I'm not proving that I am so well. I have all my life, but that could be 'till tomorrow. He won't judge unless.

Do I have to know everything to believe and love something? Can I find out, then decide? I can't wait that long, but whoever said it would be long? It could be 'til tomorrow, just like my life could be, so, it must be tomorrow. I'm not going to lie and say I know everything about Him, but I'm trying. Do you know everything about your spouse? Not always. You still love and trust in them, though, right? This isn't any different, it's my perception that I keep getting lost in. I can't have them think for me, on either side.

You know if I'm meant to or not, now help me see that too. I'm trying so hard. If I let it go, will it fix itself? I can't just let something like this go. I care, because I'm making an effort. (An effort to care?) If I wasn't, I wouldn't care, but I do because I'm trying. At least that's what I'd like to think. I'd like to think a lot of things. Am just trying to hide my true thoughts behind theirs? No, because I truly do love Him and trust in all that He does, so I still don't see where the struggle is. My mom said that I'm the most faithful person she has ever met. Do I believe that? Maybe. The song from Bobby Vinton, "If I Didn't Care", reflects my feelings perfectly: "If I didn't care more than words can say, If I didn't care, would I feel this way? If this isn't love, then maybe I'm wrong, but why do I lie awake all night and dream all day long? If I didn't care, would it be the same? Would my every prayer begin and end with just your name? And would I be sure that this is love beyond compare? Would all this be true if I didn't care for you?" Though, it's in a different context, it's exactly the way I feel. He can say better than I. I can't seem to maintain both relationships. I focus on one then forget about the other and visa versa. Though, I've never forgotten and I've never stopped believing. I'll just wait here on my knees asking for forgiveness from my foolishness. I'd rather waste my whole life pretending than forget Him for even for a second.

Do you ever wonder where the magic, life and love ran away to? Think of a 9 year old girl with blond hair and intrigued, bright blue eyes. She is laying on her bed with touseled sheets and ruffled pink pillow cases that she wishes she could change the color to. But she's not thinking about that when she sees streams of light spill through the blinds as graceful as ribbon. It doesn't remind her of the "Happy cow" milk comericials logo like other children might think of, but instead, it reminds her of Jesus. The streams of light make her think of massive golden trumpets playing a magnificent song from the angels as Jesus decends from the lucious clouds. She wonders what it would be like if He came down to greet her and take her hand along with the rest. What would she do? What would He do? What would her friends do? How would it all play out and who would He take with Him to greet Our Father? He is our my brother after all.

I am that little girl.

I remember spending hours thinking about these things before anybody was awake, or putting myself into a sound sleep filled with peace and hope.

Where is that now? Now, it's a conflict. Now that I'm looking for truth, my eye for truth is gone. Because of what I know, what he's said, it's got me thinking, though, I have no trouble. Then what's my trouble? Take me back to that 9 year old, smiling for what seems to be no reason, but is every reason in the world. I don't want to say one and think another. I don't want to think it's some outside force, but I don't want to think it's me. It al makes perfect sense to me, but I still have no idea. Are we ever supposed to know everything? He's the only innocence I know, don't we all want to keep that? I don't want that to be the only reason I long for Him. Lately, the signs have been few, but it puts my mind at ease, because at least they all say home.