Everything happened so fast that I didn't even understand the danger I was in. It was a hot summer day in Florida and I was swimming with my older brother and cousins. I swam under the water getting salt in my eyes and once I returned up and saw my cousin Logan get out of the water. I tried to follow her and started walking around the beach and found that I couldn't find her, nor could I find where my family was sitting. I was randomly walking around trying to recognize little things to see if I knew where I was. Many unfamiliar faces asked me questions that went in one ear and out the other. I continued walking around with cuts on my feet from seashells as a result of trying to find my family. It felt like I was stuck in time not being able to move or speak. I thought I couldn’t rely on anyone around me and in that moment I was the only person in the world.
I have experienced a lot of my life in just the last few years. Growing up, I've always felt like I had to mature faster than my peers. I felt like I was always my family's therapist in a way. Always comforting my mother, and always heard from my mom that she never had to worry about me. I was quiet, polite, and never talked back to her and in my mom’s eyes I was her perfect “Angel Child”. Every time I was around my mom I felt like I was suffocating because I felt like I was lying to her. But it was true, I never stuck up for myself and always found that I wanted everyone to like me and hated when people would yell at me. I did my best to keep my mouth shut so people would like me. This mindset has affected me greatly in my life growing up, and I'm still trying to not let this mindset hurt me.
My motivation to do well in school and sports has always led back to my mom. I always thought that if I do multiple sports and get on an honor roll it would fill this empty feeling of not being good enough or not knowing what my purpose is yet. I believed that the only one to get validation was by working myself to tears, working for the sports I played. My mom has been at every game I've had and has been cheering me on since day one. Since then I’ve pushed myself even harder trying to impress or show her that I’ve been working for each thing I do. Seeing her in the bleachers at every game made me realize that she has always been there for me through many important things in my life.
The root of this idea that I needed validation was from my father not being in my life. My father didn't go to any games, concerts, or art shows. Resulting because of a man I never saw, I always needed my mom’s attention or words of encouragement because he was never there. It felt like there was this constant battle in my mind. I thought it was my fault or that I wasn't good enough or that he didn't even acknowledge that I was his daughter. It was a silly thing that I worried about, but was always in the back of my mind. It felt like I was trapped trying to find my way out of a labyrinth.
Going back to that memory of getting lost at the beach made me realize that I'm not invisible, and that I don't need validation from my family, friends, or my peers. I am my own person and can see that I know what my purpose is now. The constant battle in my mind is finally coming to an end. I have fought hard to get myself to the place I am now. I have stuck up for myself when nobody else did. I know now that I can rely on other people and not just myself. Over the years I’ve become a stronger person by the day and will continue to do things for myself and not others.