Selfish. My parents and teachers told me to “Always think of others before yourself.” Is that always the case? Sometimes the case? Never the case? I am scolded for not thinking of others. I am considered a bad person for not putting others' needs above my own. I am told being selfish is a trait I should never be associated with. 

I sit in my room cluttered with clothes, old dishes lying on my bed stand, and piles of various colored binders sitting around me. 

“Lexi! When are you going to come down?” my mother yells from downstairs. 

“Just give me like 15 more minutes!” I scream back down for the third time. 

Once again I am staring at hours of homework that I just said would be done in 15 minutes. God what have I gotten myself into? My parents made plans to watch movies as a family. They look forward to spending time together and I’m taking that away from them. 

15 minutes later I walk downstairs to see my parents sitting in the living room watching one of their TV shows. “Yay, you finally made it downstairs. Come sit and we can watch shows together,” my mother says. 

Oh god, this is going to be a long night. My parents decide they want to rewatch an old Marvel movie. Tik tok tik tok. 

We sit in silence watching the movie. It’s not like I didn’t enjoy the movie, but my focus slowly diminished. I scoop up a spoonful of rice. Tik tok tik tok. I lay down on the floor to watch the remainder of the movie. My eyes become heavy and slowly I begin to drift out of consciousness. 

8:30, we finish the movie. 8:48, we finish cleaning up dishes. 9:01, my parents are still talking. Do I stay? Can I go? “Hey, can I go upstairs? I’m pretty tired.” They say yes.

Tik tok tik tok. 9:08, I start with my math homework. My eyes already feel heavy. 9:56, I finish my math homework and start my social studies homework. My focus began to drift between consciousness and blackness. 10:42, I finish my social studies homework and start my reading for English. Forty-seven pages left.

5:30. The faint but sharp ringing of my alarm clock violates my ear. I look over to the floor to see my book sprawled out against the floor. 

So began the start of my late-night study habits. Why didn’t I just say I had homework? Simply, it was to appease them. Make them not worry. But when would I get the time to do something for myself? I know my family has limited time together. But I know I have priorities. Should my family take priority over academics? Is it selfish to pick school over family for four years of my life?

Fall 2021. “Lexi come downstairs for family time!” my mother yells from below. There were two options to pick from: lie and say I’m done with my homework or tell her I’m still working. 

“Mom, I still have a lot of homework. I’m sorry I can’t spend time with you guys right now but I have to get this done.” 

Although some could say this wasn’t selfish, in this family dynamic, it was. Selfishness is a necessity to functioning in everyday life. I have come to learn that there is a fine balance between knowing when I should be more “selfish” and when I should put my wants aside. I can’t say I have reached this balance yet but knowing this balance and keeping it in mind will continuously push me to achieve the perfect balance.