The entire class was filled with energy and excitement despite the one sorrowful soul sitting in the corner. Me. Around me was a clear social solar system, the orbits of the popular girls and boys in close, clear rotation around the teacher. And then I was was like an asteroid drifting in empty space with no purpose and no direction. And for months I lived like this, seeking attention but too afraid to express it, looking for help but finding no one to go to. The above revision is just an example of what you COULD do, filling out the feelings you have by using a metaphor to make it all seem larger and more significant, at least to you, then. Keep in mind, though, that we don’t know where you are, how old you are, or any other setting details. That CAN be okay provided you’re withholding them to link your feelings of disconnection with our own. Otherwise, it’s not clear why we’re in the dark.

​Turning the clock a few months back, I was still celebrating my birthday with my friends on the other side of the globe. Throughout my entire childhood I had not made many friends at all; I’m one of the most introverted and untalkative people I know. But I value those who did make friends with me, and so to immigrate to an entirely new environment was like ripping a plant out of its nutritious soil and placing it in the middle of a desert. As I had expected, my first few weeks passed in dreadfulness; I had so much doubt about my English skills that I never spoke at school. I was too nervous to speak up to the classmates, and as a result, I hid in the classroom during recess and rarely went out; when the teacher asked questions I never raised my hand. I also had English classes outside of school, but even in a classroom where there were only four people, I stayed quiet and only spoke at the teacher’s request. This paragraph helps establish some helpful backstory. It’s mostly good. I think providing a bit more of the way you inhabited your “old” life before moving would help the reader understand how disconnected you felt by the move.

​But I couldn’t hide myself forever. Eventually, my English teacher figured out that I was too nervous about my literary abilities, which resulted in isolating myself from other people, so he reached out to me after class and helped me build confidence along the way. It was the first light I had seen in months; I’ve lived in depression, constantly conflicting myself and trying to fight my internal inability to speak in front of people. This 5 minute conversation gave me the key to the eventual success I had. From there on, he continued to piece my confidence together by working on my English skills. Within a couple of months, I improved significantly in all aspects, especially in spoken language. I never knew I had the motivation and confidence in me to converse with other people, but I did; I made a couple of friends in this foreign place and continued to struggle on my learning journey.

​Then came a big project that I had been waiting for to demonstrate my improvement and prove myself to myself that I am capable of breaking this barrier. It was a science project; everybody chose a topic and designed a simple mechanism to achieve a certain goal, and I chose to build an alarm. Over the weekend, I spent hours in my room, playing with the wires and battery and strings, and finally I had it done the night before, but this device failed me right on the stage; during the demonstration, the strings slipped and my circuit died off completely, and I stared at the audience for what seemed like an eternity, holding my alarm that was completely unusable.In the end, I finished my presentation, barely holding my legs together so that I wouldn’t collapse to the ground. You rush this experience, glossing past the actual feelings by telling them from a distance. Not everything in this essay unfolds with the same importance, right? So not everything should take the same amount of time. Expand certain moments, contract/condense others. Also, it’s not clear how this science project seemed to you to be the culminating moment, potentially. Was it the presentation aspect?

​In the next English class, I went there early and surprised my English teacher as I entered the classroom. He comforted me that this failure was not a big deal and I did a great job, while I was trying to hold my tears back. By this point, he became more of a counsellor than an English teacher, and pulled me forward to my success. You need to place us there rather than merely relaying “tell” details from a distance. We need to see you there, feel what you feel.

​Then the shy, introverted child became who I am now. After another four years, I made several friends and met many interesting people. Compared with many talented friends of mine, I have much to learn in terms of confidence and communications, but I have made it this far without backing down. The child back then relied on other people to help him, but isolation is not something that others can help you with. It is up to your own actions to free yourself from the negatives you used to experience.