April 2014

“Happy Easter!” I burst into my parents’ room with my childish giggle long ahead of my wobbly feet. I stopped my step as my eyes were drawn to my sister and mother holding each other in their arms. The room was absent of celebration and the walls incapable of trapping the shadows. Little did I realize, my world was about to shatter and the shadows would forever haunt me. Sobs escaped from them as their eyes greeted mine. My mom let out a trembling breath, “I’m sorry I couldn’t hide any eggs today Neda.” My absence of easter eggs was irrelevant as I was focused on the awaiting call from my grandparents. But, I was told there was a new star in the sky. Someone new to look over me now. A death in the family. 

~~~

From an early age, I was always baffled by death. All kids are curious. All people want to know the answers to the long-asked questions. I spent many nights struggling to fall asleep worrying about the future (more so what it would bring). Running to my family, I cried about being the youngest. To me, this meant that when the years caught up to me I would be alone. So, I was taught about the true nature of life. “That’s what nature is Neda. One day everyone’s time will come,” every sleepless night I was welcomed with new attempts at comfort from my family. Yet, along with the sun, the shadows followed. The sky isn’t big enough, my thoughts argued, where will the stars go?

~~~

September 2014

Summer’s were always fun in Bulgaria, every year reuniting with family and friends. Occasionally, there would be rain. I would question if the gloomy thoughts brought the gloomy weather. Every childhood place reminded me of my grandfather. As I reunited with everyone, I wondered if I would ever have the chance to meet him again. Or, if I would even meet the family members I never had the chance to. The days at the beach washed away the shadows that followed. My uncle would triumphantly hold me above on his arms, as I towered over the waves and seemingly, the world itself. The last three months brought bright memories with the sunny weather. Soon enough, time escaped my grasp and it was time to return to the United States for the school year. It was only the first week or so of school when unusually, my father picked me up from school. My sister and I were desperate for something to break the silence of the car ride. As we entered our apartment, I saw my mother taking out her passport. Were we resuming our vacation? 

Just five months had passed after my grandfather and the sky gained another star. My uncle passed away and now there would be someone new to look over me now.

~~~

Without darkness, there is no light and without evil, there is no good. Does this imply death is the dark, evil end to a life of light and good? Yet, one could argue it is the other way around. Thus, I wonder if a time will ever come where a human knows what the “end of the finish line” brings. Maybe, just maybe, it is possibly the same as how people once thought cellphones as inconceivable. For now, I do what I can to spend my time simply just living. However, the shadows find their way to taunt me. Whether there is a connection or not, for the past several months all of my dreams have ended with me dying. Perhaps my curiosity has got to the best of me. If not, maybe it’s being taunted by the unknown, but deeply searched and wanted answers. Though I can’t help but wonder, what would life be like if we knew? 

The End

Or is that so?