I remember when we went to spring break. I was excited. I had no plans in particular for the spring break but I was looking forward to getting a break from school. The next thing I knew was that the one week of spring break had turned into a month. Though we returned to school after the break we were still at home. I was honestly excited when word was sent out that we would not be returning after spring break. I was at a point where being in school felt almost pointless to me and I dreaded every morning I had to wake up and get ready for school.

The first couple of weeks were fine. I had no problem staying home and doing school from home. Aside from struggling to keep up with school work everything else was fine. I'm a homebody meaning I enjoy spending time and finding activities to do at home, so I had no problems spending my days cozied up at home. With that, one month turned into two. With a lot more free time, my friends and I regularly communicated. Our conversations streaming from school to pop culture. Somewhere along the way maybe when the months went from six to seven or maybe much earlier our group chat became a ghost town. Our conversation about a funny video or something that had happened in our lives turned into rare notifications of someone asking when the next break was or if we had any homework due. This was more of a reflection of our lives maybe more so mine.

What started with blissful days spent watching movies with my little brother as we watched shows or movies he enjoyed or ones I enjoyed at his age, became dull and quiet. With so much time on my hands, I wanted to do so much, but the days seemed short. I wanted more time to spend with my brother or a trip to the park. Time passed by as quickly as lightning and soon it was the beginning of a new school year. Little by Little my day began to feel longer and longer and much more dreadful and tedious. I lost all interests I had before and I felt unmotivated and easily became weary.

I enjoyed all the time I was getting to spend in my room. Perhaps it was too much time. With all the time I was getting at home in my own space, I found myself retreating to spending more time in my head. I no longer found any joy in my day-to-day routine. With nothing to do that would spark my mind or interest, I found myself more fixated on the thoughts in my head. Truth be told I was feeling down, blue, sad, and lost. I felt as if I were drowning and  I was struggling to find the way up for air. I watched all around me as my friends and family were succeeding and finding happiness in the oddest of circumstances, I saw as my sisters graduated and got jobs, I watched as my brothers continued to thrive. I watched as everyone continued to thrive and move forward only to leave me behind. 

Days were long and nights were longer. I struggled as I have for years to get a goodnight's sleep. I would pass the night away on my phone hoping to distract my wandering mind. After spending almost three nights with little to no sleep I decided to sleep. It must have been around eleven o'clock when I went to set my phone down but instead, I got the call from my brother. 

“Hello”

“Did I wake you?”

“No. I hadn’t gone to sleep yet. Wassup?”

“Is Bem awake? I called her but she didn't answer.”

“She’s asleep. I can get her through.”

“Nah, it's fine. How you been?”

There was a brief pause before I answered with my usual response, “Good.” I was hoping that making my response longer would cover my hesitation in my answer. “Just focusing on school.” I hated lying to my brother but talking about my feelings was no strong suit of mine. I never tried to lie to my brother because my brother could spot a lie a mile away. 

“So how's school? What are your grades.”

“School is ok and I'm passing my classes. Barely but still passing.”

“Just so much, I“ok”? Anyone bothering you? You sound kinda…..off”

“No. Even if anyone would I can handle myself.”

“Yea, I know. I always look out for yall so if something happens tell me.”

I felt like I was walking on thin ice. I knew he had noticed my uneasiness and forced laughs. Earlier that day, my sister hinted he might ask why I didn't join them for the trip to Sacramento.

“It. Ok, I will. How’s the fam?”

“We good. Bema said you had something to figure out on the day we went to Sacramento. Did you figure it out?”x

I remember him calling days before the trip asking if we would want to go and if so to ask our mom for her ok. A couple of days later my sister called him back saying our mom had given her ok. It was then that I had told my sister to tell him that I would not be joining them. It's not that I didn't want to it's just that I was in no place mentally to be around people. I knew if I would go my highly intuitive siblings would be able to spot the fake smiles and laughs. I was hoping for more time to figure out where my head was, so I opted out and saving myself the trouble. Deep down I knew my brother would question my decision. My excuse was no good because I spent my day sleeping in.

“No, not exactly.”

“What was it?”

“Nothing big.”

“Mhm…..that's not what I asked. Anything you want to tell me. If you don’t tell I’ll always find out sis. So what is it?”

I’ve always looked up to my brother, so I didn’t want to continue dodging his questions. I knew he had sensed a change in me and my sister wasn’t the only one of my siblings to have hinted at my brother’s concern. I remember him once saying that he noticed everything but he would always wait for us to talk to him before he ever addressed anything because when he did he’d make sure we would talk. I eventually gave up and told him the thoughts I was having and my feelings. 

Three hours later we ended our conversation with a sense of clarity. At a time where I felt like I was drowning, I was thrown a life belt and a bit of perspective. A lot of things we talked about opened my mind and helped me get the first step to getting myself back to normal. Being in isolation made me isolate myself from those closest to me. Doing so further set me back into a dark palace but I don't regret it because It helped me learn a lot about myself.

By character, I'm not one to easily ask for help or talk about my feelings. There were times where I felt I should but would always choose not to. Always being the one to help people; I didn't know how to ask for help. This experience taught me a lot of things. It brought me a lot of realizations about myself and life. And for that I'm grateful. Every day is a new day and I work to leave yesterday’s struggles and worries in the past move forward towards new challenges, memories, and finding happiness. Though I can't say all those feelings have gone away, I can say that I can manage and have restored the assurance that I don't have anyone I have my siblings. It’s a great reminder that even if we are in isolation we shouldn’t isolate ourselves.