The unprecedented and unique year COVID has created certainly rocked the world, but much more importantly, it exposed our flaws, which made it every bit worse. Whether it be racist policing or simply showing up to a zoom class ontime, no one would be safe from dealing with their monsters. 

    Fortunately as a student at New Trier(NT), a highly privileged public school located in the upper-class suburbs of Chicago, remote learning has no longer become a concern as the school placed great amounts of funds into saliva screenings, allowing us to resume in person school. However earlier in the year NT students also underwent remote learning, certainly a harrowing task for a bunch of teenagers traversing puberty and starting to try and act rebellious.

Nevertheless it was the only option and therefore the students already struggling to stay focused in school were left to fend for themselves. The stress resulting from self accountability and lack of social interaction with others outside of a phone clearly did a number on the students, corroding many friendships till they faded into the wind, essentially locking these kids in a cage of solitude. How is it then that they learn their place in the world? Where can they observe the dominant discourses that will grant them the opportunity to make a name for themselves? The answer… they don’t. 

On the other hand, this year resembled a gift. A spotlight to break through the fog, an instruction manual on how to develop into a better person. While the stress of the pandemic crushed a myriad of my peers, I morphed into a new man, a greater man. The lack of structure and laissez-faire teaching method adopted by the school forced me into a position of responsibility. Responsible not only for my academics, but simultaneously for my social life and for my self care. If I wished to succeed, drafting a schedule would present me with the greatest possibility of achieving it. 

I recall sitting on the soft couch as the smell of fresh bread engulfed the room, a hobby my brother picked up. A profession that I would not advise him to pursue. My languid eyes struggled to stay open, working off my healthy 4 hours of sleep blended with a day of school to make a concoction of misery and fatigue. Possessing the knowledge that any attempt to do my assignments could only result in work that would be no better than the product of a Bulls behind. The harrowing appearance of my assignments led me down a road of self justification to procrastinate and failed to make so much as a scratch in the work I had to get done. To my dismay, the break energized me to such an extent that I came to the revelation of transforming my daily routine to contain a multitude of breaks.

Academically the pandemic no longer posed a threat, in fact my grades went up because of the new system I adopted and its synergy with my self accountability. The real trial planted itself in the social aspect. How does one obtain the needed social interaction without the possibility of actually coming into contact with others. Sure I could hang out with my family, but then the issue of hanging out with my family would come into play. Thankfully as a kid in the 21st century, my friend group held the possibility of playing video games together. Unfortunately playing online never seemed to rival the feeling of being in the same physical space as another person. 

My best friend also found it to be a challenge causing us to come up with a solution. Due to the fact that my friend is a fan of basketball and I happen to own a basketball, we decided on becoming “quarantine buddies” and go play basketball outside. The first time we ventured out to play, I still remember the sun's genial and blinding light as it gave the world its vibrant colours, the birds rapturously filling the sky with their songs, a feeling indelibly placed in my mind. 

With the sunshine and rainbows, loomed an invective cloud. Before the pandemic I never dealt with being overly self conscious, yet with all the privacy the pandemic granted, I became aware of how much others can see. The overwhelming sense of every glance from a stranger being one of judgement. A discomfort easily avoidable at home, away from a stranger’s gaze. Then I recalled a passage I read from Macbeth, “False face must hide what the false heart doth know”. Pretty much Shakespearean for, “fake it well enough and everyone will believe it’s true”. If my goal is to avoid being judged, I must act as though there is nothing to be judged about. With pride, no one could touch me and subsequently the fear of others' thoughts slowly faded away.