Have you ever wanted to die? No? well, let me explain my experience with the wish of death. There are normally three scenarios in which I feel such strong sentiments and today I will be sharing with you all of them.

To start on a more light note, the first scenario in which I want to die is when I am massively embarrassed or humiliated in front of people that I care about or who I have to spend prolonged periods of time with. This example, I feel, is the most common and widely shared wish of death among all of them. This can come after you may have tripped on stage in front of your entire school, or when you go to share your screen on zoom and it accidentally shares another screen that coincidentally was your guilty pleasure show that nobody except for you and a small select group of people in the world like. My particular experience happened recently when my friend Autumn and I were presenting a slideshow for black history month. During the slide show, we were showing a video and we were trying to make the video larger for a better viewing experience; as I went to try and enlarge the video I accidentally clicked on a whole other video and it just spiraled into this whole situation and Autumn and I were talking and fumbling about. While this all was happening we were talking to each other but we realized that our mic was on and the whole school could hear and see this embarrassing mistake. After that experience, I was so embarrassed that I could do nothing but wish to evaporate into thin air. I wanted to die. This particular wish of death, like so many of the events that it follows, happens to be the most juvenile and dramatic. Most people would consider this just normal teen behavior. 

The second wish of death comes during high-stress moments or weeks. As the president/leader of two clubs, executive board member of two other organizations, a part-time employee, and a full-time student, I have these weeks quite regularly. This wish for death is more of a wish to evaporate… cease to exist, if you will. It happens when you are just so stressed that you just want to just climb into your bed, forget about all of your problems, assignments, and responsibilities and just dissolve into nothingness as your body drifts into eternal rest. The beauty in sleeping forever just sounds so wonderful and pleasant. Not that angsty teen bull#!% either. I’m talking about an actual drift into a resting place far away, removed from reality, the only real connection tying you back to this earth is the breath that still inhabits your body. That type of sleep sounds lovely and serene. It's a beauty I hope to one day know. 

Then, there is the third and most debilitating wish of death. This death is not serene or beautiful, at least not in that way. This death is wished upon by great sadness, despair, and hopelessness. This feeling is something deeply rooted and troubling. This is not something to wish on an enemy or a friend, but to only wish to never experience this feeling yourself. When you wish for this type of death you feel alone. You feel scared, and worst of all you feel lost. Lost not in a way that wants to be found but is not, but lost in a way where your soul feels empty. Roaming freely among the clouds while your miserable mortal self is stuck wishing to find its counterpart. While the soul is in a better place your body is desperately jumping to catch up, and sometimes it gets close. Close enough where it prepares itself for the feeling of finally reuniting with its soul but for some reason, good or bad it can not. This closeness is scary the first time you feel it. But if you are cursed with it again you begin to feel at peace with it. You feel ok and almost prepared. You stop caring. You stop caring for yourself, you stop caring for your friends, and you even stop caring about your family. All that plagues your mind is this urge to reunite with your limitless soul. 

While I will never be one to pass any judgment on why or when someone would ever wish to die, I am unfortunate enough to know how it feels to experience wanting to die in all the ways I have described above. I know how embarrassing the first situation can be; I know that while you know how juvenile your feelings seem, that doesn’t stop them from weighing on your mind until you and the people who witnessed your embarrassment finally forget. I understand how stressful school and all other responsibilities can be. I understand that while others or even parents may not understand that teens can actually carry enough stress that eventually results in wanting to actually die it is a real and valid feeling that can not be wished away by a parent yelling or restricting the few social activities you engage in. Lastly, I am more than comfortably acquainted with the last wish of death that I described. I know what it is like to feel so lost and disconnected from yourself and reality that you feel your only hope is to end your life. I know that at the peak of those emotions you may feel that is your only option, but it is not. For whoever will ever read this, death is not the only option no matter how lonely you may feel. There is always light and life at the end of the darkness that you are trudging through.