“Creak!” the door verbalized after I tried to exit.

“Where are you going?” my sister asked.

“I’m going to meet Maddie,” I whispered back while slipping out the door.

It is so cold. Okay now, stick low to the ground and walk straight, you can’t set off the outside lights. Remember, go all the way to the-

“Click,” the outside lights turned on.

“Oh god!” I exclaimed while running towards the road. There is his truck, I just need to get in and hope my parents don’t see. I should really run more, by the time I got to his truck I was gasping for air.

“Hurry up, andahh turn the, ahh truck around,” I told him while jumping in his truck and gasping. My entire body was in pain as I turned to say hey.

F###! This could not be happening! He’s not the same guy from the pictures he sent me!

“Hey, where do you want to go?” he asked while I sat in the passenger seat freaking out.

“Just drive ahh, up the ahh, road a second,” I said struggling for air. I need to catch my breath and figure out what to do. This is very bad, is he going to kidnap me or just let me go back home? If he kidnaps me, would anyone even find me? I don’t even know his name. 

After a minute of him waiting for me to tell him where to go I finally said, “Take me home, I can’t do this.”

“Are you s-”

“Yes just pull in there to turn around and take me back.”

He did take me home, but that night could have ended very differently for me considering I did exactly what my sister did the night she was raped. After this experience, I never met a guy without snapchatting him to verify he was who he said he was first.

***

One of my greatest fears is that I will never find love. This fear is based on a few things, the first being I don’t know many gay men. I can count the number of gay men that I have met in person on one hand. Heterosexuals have a very large dating pool, the gay dating pool is about 4% of the population and that doesn’t even include factors such as age and location. Living in a small conservative town definitely doesn’t make matters easier. Finding someone that you could date is incredibly difficult and I don’t have much hope for it.

Since I couldn’t find anyone in person I turned to dating apps. I would talk to many guys at once-- tall or short, 16 or 28, Black or White-- I would talk to anyone. After a week of talking I quickly learned that barely anyone was looking to just talk, they were looking to hook up. After finding that love wasn’t an option for me, I gave into what the other guys wanted: lust.

In March, I met David. He drove me to my grandpa’s house. It was empty because we were selling it. David just wanted to hookup and I knew that. We went into the house and began. Soon into it I realized that it was a waste of my time and I did not care at all. My mind would often wander to anything but what was happening. I was just a body after all, and I feared that’s all I’d ever be. Once everything but intercourse had happened, he asked if I wanted to and I quickly said no. I couldn't let my first time be with David, I didn't even know a single thing about him other than his first name. He doesn't know it but that night taught me that I didn't want to just hook up, I wanted a relationship.

A few months later, I met John and he was actually the same age as me. After texting for a while, he taught me a few things about gay culture and his personal hookup experiences. John was the closest to an emotional connection that I’ve had with a man. Even though he didn't want to go on a date when I asked him, John didn't mind hooking up in his car or making out in the bathroom where he worked. A few weeks after, he hooked up with another guy and they started dating. I lost all faith in men and hope in finding someone to love me. 

Michael has the life I envision for myself. He has a steady job, lives by himself, and has two cats. Sometimes I wonder if I actually liked him or if it was subconscious due to him having that life. With Michael, we did actually talk for a little but when I asked about going on a date he wasn’t too excited about it. If we ever did anything with our bodies, he was down, but I wasn’t. After telling Michael that I didn't just want physical stuff, I realized that was all he wanted. I knew I didn’t want to go through something similar to that again so I quit talking to him. 

After living through these moments I have lost who I am. Taking time to find out who Justin Allen Pierce is is my next step in life. Soon I am going to college, I want to take time to find myself without people I know influencing me. This is a big step to finding out how I want to live out the rest of my life in this world where I can’t settle for what others want from me.