Just barely three weeks ago, I turned fifteen. The change wasn’t much, and neither could it be called one of the biggest moments of my life. Fifteen is something rather dull, and it certainly doesn't get a title like “The Sweet 16” does. I haven’t even reached half my life, and, for the most part, I’m still just a kid who hasn’t seen most of the world. Still, as I reflect on my fifteen years, I come to realize that it’s been an extremely important journey. My life is like an every changing puddle of uncertainty, and my mentality has been very different throughout the years. This instability is scary, yet it builds me into the person I am today and allows me to continue growing. 

One of the hugest points of my life - something I had struggled with for so long - was accepting my own cultural identity. As an Indian who was born and brought up in America, a lot of my cultural identity was lost. My family would take mostly yearly trips to India, spending a lot of the summer there. I grew up with the language, Assamese, and became bilingual. There were cultural events in America, which we regularly attended, becoming closely connected with the Indian community. I had several traditional clothing in my closet. My parents both cooked Indian food for almost every meal. Even connected with Bollywood, Hindi movies helped me to understand the language. Though my parents fought the valiant battle of somehow still connecting me to my roots, it would never be quite the same as growing up in India. 

This was because of my partial resistance to accepting my origins. At first, I hated going back to India. It was hot and disgusting, and it wasn’t nearly as nice as America in my views. I didn’t want to speak Assamese, rather I only wanted to speak English, because that's how I communicated with my friends, my teachers, and everyone else. I didn’t understand the purpose of cultural events, and rather only went for the friends that would be there. The traditional clothing I had, I was embarrassed by. I didn’t want to wear anything like that when everyday I only saw pants and shirts. Instead, I wanted to wear Western-style dresses. Eating Indian food every day made me more interested in other types of food, and eventually made me reject it altogether. I slowly lost my complete comprehension of Hindi. Harry Potter was way cooler than any Bollywood movie I had ever watched. 

The other major part was the representation I saw on the TV. Though the issue itself has gotten a lot better, just a few years back, I would never see someone of the same color or origin as me on the channels I watched. Other times, Indian characters would have negative stereotypes or put into a terrible spotlight. India was seen as dirty and cheap, and that was well reflected in movies and other entertainment. As a young child, I was heavily influenced by these ignorant perspectives, unconsciously letting it change the view I had on my own culture. Other kids would imitate Indian accents, and often times would make fun of the stereotype of how we would smell like “curry.” I just didn’t want to be Indian, and I most definitely didn’t want to be brown. 

It took a long time for me to stand up to myself. These ugly thoughts that were deeply rooted in my brain, slowly, and very painfully, were torn away. The natural melanin I have isn’t something abnormal, but rather just another color that adds glow to my skin. I love India a lot, it isn’t dirty, and it has extremely beautiful places. Speaking Assamese is almost like a secret code for just my parents and me. When I’m outside, our conversations are completely private. Every summer, I wait to go back because I miss my family there. Cultural events are places to appreciate the tales and legends that come from my origins. Someday, I hope to be in India when these days happen, so I can enjoy the true nature of the festivity. The clothes that come from India are so elegant, and there are so many different ones too. I’m starting to wear them more often, even if they’re only to Indian events. It’s so nice to see, no matter how westernized India has become, people still wear traditional clothing in their daily life. I’m not there yet, but one day I’m sure I’ll grow the confidence to follow their example. I love Indian food, and there many there may be too many types of different good food, but at the end of the day, my comfort foods stay the same. Endgame is cool and all, but I have to catch up with all the new Bollywood movies that have and are coming out. I’ve finally reached the point again, where I can understand Hindi without any subtitles. 

Seeing other Indians being confident in their own identity, and observing the flourishing India and all of its culture, I decided to finally accept the part of me I had never appreciated. It was infuriatingly delayed, but I’m glad I’ve finally made it here.