It wasn’t too long after the divorce, I was about 5 years old and the weather was starting to turn chilly. “Lilly, your dad is upstairs in your room waiting for you,” my mom casually said to me. My excitement outweighed the confusion at the time. He hadn't gone into my room much lately, or really even past a few steps from the front door. I raced up the stairs, my toothless smile beaming, as I turned into my room. “Hi, honey.” The toothless smile slowly dropped as the confusion overtook my brain. There my dad sat, on the side of my bed staring at me with such a strange look. He was smiling, but it wasn’t one I’d seen before. This smile wasn’t like the smile he had when I did a cartwheel for the first time, or when my brother Kyle won a baseball game, this one was just different. And his eyes. His eyes didn’t match the smile at all. I slowly and awkwardly walked over to stand in front of him. I was like a criminal awaiting my sentence, both of us knew something was coming, but just like a criminal, I was at the mercy of the judge. I nervously flickered my eyes down to the ground, only to look back up into his eyes again. Finally, after what my five-year-old brain felt was forever, my dad spoke. Tears were forming in his eyes as he said, “You know you’ll always be my favorite girl right?” His tears began to fall as he stared back at me, his sad eyes begging for a response. I was startled and quickly responded with a quick, “yea” like nothing out of the ordinary was happening. But he started again, “Even if I have a girlfriend you will always be my #1 girl, no matter what.” The pain in his voice was undeniable. I nodded, not fully understanding the depth of his claim, as he hugged me closer to him. I stood there, embracing the hug, feeling as if my dad needed it more than me. While at the same time, my 5-year-old brain was trying to figure out what was happening. Why was he suddenly saying this? What does this mean? Then it hit me. A flashback from the weekend before started playing in my head, piece by piece. A party at my dad’s house. I asked about a girl. He said it was his friend’s girlfriend. I saw him kiss her. I told my mom. As the realization hit me, I just sat there. Frozen. My dad quickly left the room the same way he came in, fast, and without a sound. 

I felt different. It was something inside me that felt different, not like a new haircut kind of different, but something I couldn’t quite put my finger on. I was scared,  confused, and above all, I was sad. This was the first time I realized my parents weren’t invincible. I had never seen my dad cry. Even when my parents told Kyle and I about the divorce, none of us cried. On top of everything, this was also the first time I had caught my dad in a lie. Suddenly, I felt an uncomfortable weight being added to me. The weight of fear, distrust, and worry. So much worry. My world had been rocked. My dad was now not this strong man, this superhero, this laughing, funny guy. This image of him was now tainted. I had never had to carry my dad before. He was always the one to give me piggyback rides, carry me from the car to my room when I fell asleep, or even hold me when I got too tired to walk. But now, this was the start of me having to carry my dad. Not physically, but I still was forced to lift his weight. The lies, the sadness, the confusion: all thrown into my arms. The heartbreak and burdens of my dad were now heavy on me. Because of this, I suddenly felt the need to protect my dad, stand up for him, help him, and defend him. Now that I’ve grown and matured, I realize why he was so upset that night and who that woman really was, and who she still is to me today. I often wonder if he had that talk with me so I could remember when I finally found out the whole truth. For when I grew up and learned why that woman would affect me so much and understand what she and he truly did to our family. Maybe he hoped I could look back at this night and remember what he said. Or maybe it was just something to clear his conscience at the time. I don’t think I’ll ever know. Either way, that night added a few pounds to my ever-growing bag of things I carry. It created a new, everlasting weight that only grows heavier as I grow up.