I made the first initial decision for myself, I experienced it in a way that was for other people, and I went back on everyone else’s behalf. Before leaving, I had never lived outside of my hometown. I spent my whole life in a town, tiny to the point where it’s neighboring town is considered to be a part of it. Even with that extension there’s not much to the “places” I grew up in. Considering I spent my whole life within the two towns, I had acquired many friends and acquaintances; almost anywhere I went within the both of them, I would recognize a handful of people. At school, it felt like there wasn’t really a single person I could possibly look at and have nothing to say about. Some people could never imagine leaving a place they’ve developed an immense comfort within, although at some point, that’s all I could think of. I’ve always relished change, searched for the next change immediately after I’d just experienced one. I wasn’t content with knowing one place, seeing the same familiar faces constantly, an insufficient amount of options for entertainment within close range, having to go through the same experiences due to where I live- I could go on for a lifetime about my growing exasperation for my home town. Not to mention, things within my personal life making my desire to leave even stronger. 

During this time, my grandma came to visit from the state in which she lives that differs from mine. I remember specifically one night in particular, both of us had been laying in bed with my sisters waiting patiently for them to fall asleep. While they were sleeping, my grandma whispered, “You know, you could come live with me if you want.” I wasn’t sure what made her say this, I hadn’t told anyone about my increasing hunger to leave. To me, it felt like she could read my thoughts- like she had somehow knew exactly what had been consuming my mind lately. One sentence held an abundance of opportunity that I was eager to take. A conversation erupted from that single sentence, a conversation that ended with my grandma saying, “I’ll talk to your mom about it while I’m here.” Within two weeks, I was around 1,313 miles away from my family, my friends, and my home. “I’ll be back after the school year.” is what I told everyone. A promise I intended on keeping. 

The beginning couple months of it all, I was ethatic. The only common factor my new home contained was family. My environment was almost completely unfamiliar, and I couldn’t have been more delighted by that. Christmas break came along, my first break at my new school, and I decided to visit everyone from my hometown during that time. Surrounded by everyone from my “old life” made me feel incredibly guilty about enjoying Texas. Hearing “I miss you”, “It’s not the same without you”, and “I can’t wait until you’re back” constantly created a deep feeling of shame. I knew that if I continued to savor my “new life” I wouldn’t want to return to my old one. I refused to break my promise, especially after hearing their reactions to my visit, I couldn’t bring myself to do it even if that was best for me. 

After Christmas break, I made things miserable for myself. I distanced myself from everyone I met, and the family that had welcomed me. I stopped making plans and trying to gain new experiences. I lost motivation, quit putting effort into school. I ruined what started off as an experience I thought I would never regret; I forced myself to regret it so I could return to everyone I had visited. I was the root of my depression, and I felt trapped as though I could do nothing about it. 

During the summer, I had moved back as planned. I returned to my hometown for the people, not because I truly wanted to. I had convinced myself it was what I wanted, although it was what other people wanted. While in Texas I had believed moving was my biggest regret so far; I soon began to think coming back to California felt like remarkably worse regret. The whole experience however made me realize, the real regret I have is making my decision based on other people. I learned something I thought I already knew, I learned that you can’t live your life for anyone else. People are temporary, the friends I came back for are no longer in my life. You can only satisfy yourself, and this time around I intend on satisfying myself; not making promises I’m not sure if I can keep. When I’m 1,313 miles away once again for junior year, I plan on experiencing everything for myself.