*Beep beep beep beep*

I press the top of my alarm and the beeping stops abruptly. I fumble around and turn on the lamp with my eyes closed...found it…I twist the switch on the lamp and a rush of light hits my eyelids making me see red and orange. I slowly open my eyes just enough so I can see the blue light from my stereo, sit up, turn to the right, put my feet on the cool floor, and stand. Next I walk to the bathroom and reach around the corner to turn the light on. When the light is on I turn my head away. I walk into the bathroom and look at myself in the mirror. I'm wearing a black tank top and galaxy sweats, My hair looks like I haven't brushed it in a week. I turn the knob on the shower and the warm water rushes out of the shower head. When I get in the shower I feel the warmth of the water hit my skin...when I get out of the shower I grab my towel and wrap it around me and walk to my room. When I get in my room I grab a shirt, pants, bra, and underwear out of my drawers and I get dressed slowly. I'm attempting to procrastinate because I don't want to go to school today. Why? You might ask. Well my heart was broken the day before. Who? Well I can't tell you who he really is but we’ll call him C.J.

 on my walk to school my heart hurts a little more with each step I take. While I'm walking I remember today is picture day. Good thing in blow dried and curled my hair. This morning I couldn't remember why I was curling my hair...but now I do...when I get to school I walk past the office, to the double doors. I stood there for 3 minutes and the one person I wasn't ready to see walks through the door...C.J. my heart shatters into a million pieces. I feel the tears rush to my eyes and I turn around so I can't see him but it doesn't help the emotions bubbling up to the surface so I blink letting the warm, salty tears run down my cheeks to my lips. Just before I turn around I wipe them away so no one sees my tears. When I turn around I notice him walking towards me and my heart starts running like a jack rabbit. I feel like my heart is about to beat right out of my chest.

 I can't move so I just stand there and wait...I force myself to hug him and put on a smile when he reaches me. I don't know how he does it but when I hug him the world becomes completely mute. Like the world just freezes and time stops. When he lets go the world goes back to the way it was. Look at him and ask myself “how am i gonna do this today?” while I'm waiting for a teacher or administrator to come through the doors I stand there and listen to him talk. He stops talking after asking me how I'm doing and i say “fine”...finally a teacher comes through the door. The teacher that is coming through the door isn't one of mine. When she walks through the door I quickly slide a pencil in the crack of the door so it doesn't close all the way but enough so it isn't noticeable. While I wait for the coast to be clear all I can think about is to get as far away from C.J as possible. When the coast is clear I open the door like im playing tug of war with it. I walk over to the doors going to the stairs and he begins to talk again. In my mind his words are muffled and i can't make them out. I pretend I can hear him and I continuously nod my head. The talking stops and I say “yea?” he begins to talk again  but this time his words are not clouded by my thoughts. “Are you ok? You seem out of it today.” he says. I nod my head again and say “yea i'm just going through some stuff today.” I wanted to tell him how I was feeling but I couldn't because there is this little voice in the back of my head that keeps saying “your not good enough.” that voice sounds like my ex deep, and strong. Instead i just ask “may i have another hug?” he nods and opens his arms. I hug him for a while as he plays with my hair. His finger are long and slender and he is a little taller than me. I can only think of him in my fantasies. He hugs tighter. Right now were so close to each other that I can barely breathe....so I escape to my head. I picture him tilting my head up, wrapping his hand around the back of my neck and kissing me. I come back to reality as he lets me go and finally a teacher is coming through the door. When she presses the bar on the door I grab the handle and hold the door open for her and discreetly slide a red color pencil in the crack of the door without anyone noticing. When the coast is clear i open the door and walk through right behind C.J. we both walk up the stairs side by side. He goes to the second floor and i go up to the third. Just before he walks through the door i say “I'll see you 5th hour” knowing that I'll see him when we get our pictures taken.

 In first hour the school makes an announcement for JR class, last names A-F to come don to the auditorium to have our pictures taken. I grab my bag and walk down to the auditorium. When i get there C.J is having his picture taken. When he's done he picks up his bag, walks over to me, puts his hand on my shoulder, and walks away. That was the last time I saw him till 5th hour. The closer I got to 5th hour the more depressed I felt. Well 5th hour was here and all i wanted was 1, a hug and 2, go home. I could get a hug just not from the people I was willing to give a hug and I didnt want to hug C.J. it would make me feel even worse than I already felt. That was not my goal, so I avoided him as much as one could avoid anyone. When the end of 5th hour came it was like a giant weight being lifted off of my shoulders. When the end of the day came I got out of the school as quickly as possible. Finally I was in the clear of C.J so I slowed down and walked home. When I got home I opened the door and I went straight up the stairs to my room and laid on my bed dreaming of what I know will never come.