Come to think of it, I’m not entirely sure where I lost myself. Maybe in old friends who I no longer know the whereabouts of or in crowds of random people whose faces I’ll never recall. Was it at age five when I finally decided to give up my Barbie dolls? Or was it age twelve when I realized it was time to grow up? In truth, I will never fully know when I lost myself, but all that uncertainty falls to dust when I think about where I was found. Finding yourself is a war not easily won, but if I want this essay to teach you anything, it’s that the war of finding yourself is worth winning. 

What does a theatre teacher think about on the first day of school? Specifically, what did Ms.Castanon think about when I entered her classroom as a timid sixth grader? Was she genuinely excited to meet her new students or was she fabricating the smile on her face? Could she see the fear on my face looking around her vividly colorful room? Was my heart beating so fast that she could see the up and down movement of my shirt or were my nerves just deceiving me? There are so many pending questions I may never know the answer to, but with the knowledge, I know now, I know as much as I need to.

At a young age, the world taught me to never be overly confident. Due to this mindset, finding out theatre was my elective felt like my world was completely caving in on me. Making friends was never something I struggled with my sixth-grade year; I had friends in almost every grade level and not once was I shy with them. So how is it that every time I entered Ms. Castanon’s room my body began to shiver and my palms dripped sweat? How is it that I’d rather take a zero then perform a 30-second monologue? The fear of me embarrassing myself was overbearing. I’m not sure I would have stayed in theatre a second later if it wasn’t for the first time Ms. Castanon talked with me.  I still relive the intense words of her letting me know it’s okay when I make the whole class turn around just so I can perform without crying and it’s okay to be afraid. My feelings of self-doubt were deeper than just having stage fright and she saw that. According to a 2018 study by DoSomething.org, about 75% of teenage girls in America have low self-esteem. 

Imagine this, you’re a 200 piece puzzle that has yet to be put together, until one day a patient human being comes along and takes time to analyze the puzzle, eventually the puzzle is put together, that was me and how Ms.castanon helped. 

Did she see fragments of herself in me? Is that why she was so willing to shape me into who I was meant to be? Did she see potential in me that no one saw in her? You can’t pretend to be secure in yourself forever, eventually, it’ll show. You tell yourself that everything will be okay, and it’ll all be over soon the stuttering and shaky voice isn’t that noticeable, and the fidgeting will end soon. But it doesn’t, the shaking never stops even when everyone has stopped clapping and you’re already sitting down. Your friends still say why did it sound like you wanted to cry the whole time, but that’s okay. Ms. Castanon taught me that it is okay to be vulnerable, but above all, it is okay to feel fear. 

Throughout middle school and the start of highschool I continuously stayed in theatre because of the forever home I formed in her classroom. Ms.Castanon helped shaped me for four years of my life and I will never emotionally leave home behind. She showed me how to find the confidence I’d been lacking, she showed me what it’s like to have a person believe in me and push me to do greater things, she showed me that even though life's hardships, to keep going. Without a doubt, she is the reason I flourished and showed me things I never saw in myself until now.

It is by far one of the greatest feeling knowing someone who sees you for everything you are and won’t let you be anything less, who sees endless possibilities in you. Eventually, you start to see through their eyes and see yourself the same way: As someone who matters. By life, we are all altered, and someday, maybe even tomorrow, you’ll come face to face with your own reflection. Don't hold back, because you’ll never truly find yourself if you’re too scared to get lost.