It was the beginning of January back in 2018. A normal Sunday night for my family; my dad was on his way home and both my mother and brother were already asleep. But as for me, well let’s just say it was nowhere near a pretty picture. There I was, curled up next to my bed, shaking with fresh tears rolling down my face. Ah yes, my good old friend panic attack was in town yet again. 

I had no idea how long I sat there, I just knew when my dad came in it was near or past eleven. By that point, I was no longer crying, only rocking back and forth and sniffling every so often. My dad took a seat next to me and held me until I calmed down to the point that I was able to speak clearly. He asked me what was wrong; the only issue was, I didn’t know. I just knew that the tiny spark of whatever happened caused me to finally tip over the edge and blow up. 

It seemed like the fire was nearly out, but it only burned higher. There I was, getting worked up again over nothing and in the midst of yet another panic attack. It always seemed as though once a year something similar would happen. Some small inconvenience just caused me to shut down. I remember turning to my dad, the latest tears streaming down my cheeks, and saying, “Dad, I’m not a girl.” 

Obviously, he was shocked, for good reason too; he went completely silent. I knew I messed up. I kept telling myself to wait until I was comfortable enough to sit down with my parents and calmly let them know. That was my plan, and what did I do? I allowed the pressure to keep building and building upon itself until it became too much and I exploded. At that point, my eyes were squeezed shut; both to keep new tears in and to brace for impact. Yet it never came. 

Instead of yelling or kicking me out like I thought he would, my dad just pulled me into a hug and told me that it was okay. That every little thing was gonna be alright. It was the first positive reaction to the news that I received from a family member, and probably the best of the bunch. 

The fear of coming out stems from expecting a certain reaction from family or peers. This can extend until one shuts themselves away from those close to them or keeps it locked away until they finally break down and spill everything they’ve kept inside. Fear will control them. There is a better way. If society learns that coming out is an okay thing to do, no one would have to live with this fear.