January 19, 2016

 “You have amazed me from day one. The nurse said you were sassy and you would be fine. You have grown to be a beautiful, compassionate, loving, thoughtful young lady. You make me proud. I hope you follow those dreams and kick cancer’s butt once and for all, you can do it smarty pants.” Before my mom died she wrote to me in journals, “My greatest joy is being your mom. I couldn’t have asked for 3 of the best babies. You all completed me in so many ways.”

   The day they gave her medicine to go to sleep so she wouldn’t feel the pain, I saw her lying there in the bed, and I felt the most aching pain ever. It was like I felt it everywhere, I felt the pain in my head, my eyes, my arms, my back, my heart.

The day it happened I was planning to sleep over my cousin’s house, I thought they were so nice for allowing me to sleep over, but now that I think about it, they probably were only going to let me sleep over because they knew what was going to happen.

Prior to us leaving, I walked into my mom’s room to say goodbye to my grandma who was standing there next to her bed, she was sleeping and I couldn’t wake her. So I walked over to my grandma said my “Goodbyes” and “I love yous” and I started to walk out. Before my foot could go past the door frame, my grandma stopped me and asked, “Aren’t you going to say ‘goodbye’ to her?” She gestured toward mom. I looked at mom, my grandma, and back to my mom. 

 I slowly walked over as I bent down beside her bed and quietly said “Goodbye. I’ll miss you.” Nothing happened until I felt a hand on my shoulder, “She heard you, she just can’t respond.”

Finally my aunt, cousins, and I left, eventually we made our way to a thrift store in Clinton. It was old and smelled like a sad Goodwill. I walked up the stairs with my aunt when I saw these basketball shoes, part purple, part blue. I thought I was gonna look so cool when I put them on, then we went to cashier and I had them in my hands, I’m gonna look sick, I thought to myself.  My aunt and I walked out to the car when suddenly she received a phone call. While I was mesmerized by new kicks, we ended up in the car-driving in the opposite direction. 

   “Where are we going?” I asked, yet no one answered. I stared out of the window, until I looked up and turned to look at my aunt, and found her, She looked scared, worried, panicked. I could see her eyes were glossy. I knew something was really wrong but I couldn’t think of what it was. 

   We ended up back at my house there were more cars in the driveway than when we left, and it make me come to realization. I knew something was wrong, someone wasn’t okay. Then I thought of her. I thought of everything that could’ve gone wrong. She is dead was the thought that really popped out to me. I had gained a headache, a migraine. I was slowly walking into the house, up the stairs, and turned to look down the hall. My grandma, the nurse and my uncle were staring at me. I barely remember walking down the hall to her room I just remember all the possibilities, the negative thoughts, all this shit going through my head. I felt like one of the characters in the cartoons when the birds are flying around their head after they get hurt. It seemed like that except the stars or birds flying around my head were thoughts, shitty, f***ed up thoughts.

I walked  into the room and I saw my mom lying there peacefully but at that point I still couldn’t tell what happened, She’s just sleeping right. I told myself. I felt a hand on my shoulder and suddenly I was being spun around until I saw my grandma. She told me they had to do it, the nurse had to do it. Had to what, I keeping thinking, until finally I heard my family talking about how the nurses and doctors that’ve been walking in and out of our house gave my mom this medicine that puts her to sleep until she feels better. They all are telling me it was because she was in pain, but every time I went into her room to see her she seemed fine. “Fine”, I understood it at that moment. She was hiding her pain, she was fighting cancer with everything she had, to show strength, to show courage. It was all coming back to me. After I figured it out I felt dumb, it made me feel worse. I was going on with my merry little life when right in front of me, deep down, she was hurting. No, more than hurting-she was dying. And I can I never get back those moments when I was buying a ratchet pair of used shoes from a thrift store in some old lady’s house. The moments I should’ve been spending with her. Now these shoes in my hands, don’t seem so ‘cool’.

Her room was right next to mine, I was able to hear everything that went on in there, everything the nurse did, everything my grandma did, and almost everything that was said. I hated it. It made me feel worse, because I knew I would never get back those few moments that could’ve meant the world to me. The times I thought it was weird or stupid to be around my mom public. The times when I was out with my mom and I thought that people were gonna think I was childish or they were going to start making fun of me. Well sure, they might think that hanging out with your mom or dad is uncool, but, it’s not. And no, I’m not popular, and I don’t really care if I was or wasn’t, but you have to spend every moment you can with people you love whether society says it’s ‘cool’ or not, cause that’s bullshit. 

  The rest of the week went on just like another week: wake up, go to school, go home and finally cry myself to sleep. Yet, during that week, my heart was dying just a little bit more and more as each day went on, but I was able to pull through without showing my fear, pain or anxiety.

   The night it all happened was very foggy until it  all crashed. January 19th, 2016. I got home from school, probably didn’t give my homework any thought, and watched tv until dinner. (Yes, my life  was very eventful) I don’t really remember anything until about 7:00 when I went into my mom’s room where the night nurse and my grandma were crowding around my mom who was just lying there. I asked my grandma if she could help because I cut finger by accident. Then she brought me into the bathroom which was right across the hall. She reached into the medicine cabinet and pulled out a bandaid. “Now how did you cut yourself?” She asked. I shrugged, staring at my finger as she took off the back side of the bandaid and placed it on my finger. But just before she could wrap it around my finger a voice interrupted us, “Miss, I need you for a minute,” It was the night nurse and she was staring blankly at my grandma.

They walked back into my mom’s room and I started to hear whispering followed by a sob. Eventually I figured out it was my grandma and she was sobbing for about 2 minutes until I heard her start to make phone calls. I couldn’t hear what she was saying but I could tell that it was urgent and she was petrified. 

I was still sitting on the bathroom sink, just sitting there with no thoughts and no emotion. I don’t know what’s happening and I can’t think of the possibilities or I’ll just make myself nervous, I thought to myself. My grandma walked into the bathroom wiping her tears and taking in deep breaths. Finally she asked me to follow her along with my brother. We walked into the room and I saw my sister crying as well. She was standing there staring, then I turned to see what she was staring. It was my mom she lying there, as usual. Until I was able to hear the nurse say, “I’m sorry to say but she passed, her heartbeat was slowing and it has finally stopped beating.” I looked at her and she looked down, I could tell she has been through these types of moments before, and she says the same things. I heard what seemed to be a growl and I turn and I realize my mom made that noise. 

   “She’s alive, hear that, she’s alive!” My grandma said as she starts to weep again. That was her last breath. I stared at my mother. I didn’t cry, I didn’t do anything I just stood there. I crossed my arms as my sister walked over and block my view with hugged me and before I knew it my grandma and my brother all crowded me in a giant hug. The pain started to course through my body, the agony. I didn’t move, I couldn’t move. I started to shake. Why… 

By the next second I’m sitting in my bed with my door open as I start to see people I barely  know walking in and out of her room. All my memories with her are falling in and out of my mind. I’m sad, devastated, angry, but all at the same time it feels like nothing at all. For the past week or so I haven’t even been able to talk to her but now I’m thinking about what this means for my future. The fact that I will never be able to talk to her again, no more memories I can make with her. Then it happens, I’m crying, no I’m weeping at this point, I scream into my pillow until it all fades away.