Whether it is through a loved one, a childhood pet or even just a breakup, we all experience loss. We all have moments or days where we feel like we need to give up. No matter what you say, you have likely felt a loss too. Maybe not as heavily and impactful as others but you have. The Kubler-Ross Model, otherwise known as the 5 stages of grief, is used by professionals to better understand people experiencing grief. This model is used to help them organize and set a guideline for their feelings and thoughts. I have experienced loss myself.  And until I wrote this paper, I didn’t really realize how I truly felt about my own grief and how closely I followed the Kubler-Ross Model as I processed through my loss.

Denial

When you left, I refused to accept it. I walked in and saw your soulless body. I was waiting for you to jump up and say “SURPRISE” and for my brother and I to laugh. But we didn’t. I waited for your corpse to regain life. But it never did, I waited for you to open your eyes and hold me again. But you didn't. I waited for you to wake up and sing to me like you always would. You never did. I waited as long as my family would let me. Even after they took your body away, I didn’t believe it. I let myself believe that you were on vacation and you couldn't call me to check on me and Connor. I was living in a constant lie. A lie I told myself so that I wouldn't have to face what actually happened.

Anger

I recall one instence when sleep evaded me; one night I had lied awake into the early hours of the morning. I was trapped in my own mind with my own thought   s. The most deadly demon. I became frustrated with myself because I couldn’t sleep. I was tiresome from all of my anxiety surrounding your death. I got mad. I blamed you for my anxiety ridden and sleepless nights. I blamed you for all of my sadness. I hated you. As I grow older and more mature, I realize how much I really did love you. I just didn’t want to get hurt. So I put up a wall of hatred to protect me.

Bargaining

I had many hopes that I would get a calling from God and I would be able to trade my life for yours. I prayed that I could die to see you once again. I cried and yelled out that I just wanted one more hug. One more song. One more moment together. I told God that I would give up anything and everything to see you one more time. And all I got in response was a simple memory of you telling me that “God never says no, he either says, not right now, yes or I have something better.” So I decided to go on thinking that God had something better in store.

Depression

Eventually, days grew longer and nights became somehow even longer and more hard to survive. I would spend all day blaming myself for your death. I would neglect my friends and family. I would refuse to eat. I would wake up, go to school, come home and go to sleep. I wouldn’t want to get up. I refused to do anything productive. I constantly told my worried father “what’s the point” he told me that he cares, and if I won’t get out of bed for me, do it for you. And so I did.

Acceptance

Once I finally did get up  and started going to volleyball practice again, I realized how important the simple pleasures in life are. Like being able to come home to a family that loves me, or being able to eat whenever I needed to. I eventually slowed down after all my school work and volleyball, took a step back and took a good look at what I had done with my life. Not until after a few minutes of my reflection did I realize that I had lost you. My mother. I had lost the person who loved me the most. Accept it was different now. I didn’t cry, I didn’t mourn and I didn’t feel sad. I felt renewed that I had finally accepted your death. I had known that it had happened but I never truly accepted it. Before that I always denied reality in some way but now I am free.