WARNING: There were some foul words used in this article and its contents are extremely sensitive. This is based on the writer's personal experience and contains nothing but truth about what she did. Though there is a moral at the end of this article, please still read at your own risk especially if you experience depression.

February 11, 2019

That was the date of the night I thought I was gonna end it all. The day I thought I was really going to kill myself and die.

During those times, I've got my heart broken, I've been facing family problems, I've been facing conflict with my friends who don't understand me as much I understand them, I've been so pressured in school, and I've been so pressured to make myself a better and happier person.

I worked hard in all those different perspectives. I tried to fix everything at once. That I ended up breaking myself and have not fixed anything at all. I guess I was wrong for fixing other things all the time.

On that day, I was acting normal and hyper at school. I tried not to let those problems affect me. I tried not to cry whenever I see my ex in the campus.

But I can never be firm all the time. I have my own limits. And in the afternoon as I got home, I started to cry, non-stop.

It went on for hours. I can't stop. I tried to, but the depression was too much. The pain in my chest was too much. The throbbing of my head was too much. I had trouble breathing. I had no control of myself. It was like, all my demons were taking over after I've tried keeping them inside me for days.

I immediately alarmed those close to me. Some of them replied, some didn't. But after that, I didn't reply anymore. I just said I was tired and am close to giving up.

I just didn't think that I was gonna kill myself that night, I /knew/ that I was gonna kill myself that night.

So I started looking around for pills, because cutting doesn't work for me anymore, blood scared me.

I gathered the pills I could find, ones I don't even know the names of.

I drank three pills in a row, until I noticed my phone buzzing non-stop. I checked to see it was my best friend. The one who I helped through the hard times and who helped me back when he knew I couldn't do it alone anymore.

There he was again. Helping me. He knew how heavy my problems were and he was the only one who understood and kept an eye on what I do. He knew what I was capable of and he knew that I could kill myself one day because of how much I loathe myself.

I took the fourth pill as I read his messages. I didn't unlock my phone so I read it just on the notifications on the screen.

He was encouraging me to not give up. He was encouraging me to be stronger than I was.

He said he knew I was a strong person, but he can see how much weaker I was getting during those times, that he felt sorry for not taking action immediately.

Again I took the fifth pill, I was dizzy already. And what he was saying didn't really matter to me anymore since I was close to ending my life. I was so so close and I wasn't gonna stop.

I remember rolling my eyes and turning my phone off. I got up and stared at myself at the mirror. I was shocked at what I saw.

I looked so fucking miserable. I've always hated what I saw in the mirror, but this one? I hated it even more. I was a complete, fucking mess. I was so ugly. It made me put down the pills I was holding and cried.

I realized, this wasn't me.

I've always fixed others, I've always prevented others from destroying themselves, but why can't I fix myself? Why can't I not destroy that person in the mirror?

I cried harder that time, but I didn't drink any more pills. I opened my phone again and thanked my best friend before I went to lay down.

I was sleepy but I made sure I could still be able to talk to God before I drift off.

I talked to Him and my chest felt lighter and I felt better. I felt comfort as if He was there beside me, giving me the embrace that I need.

I was lucky to still wake up the next day, in time to get ready for school.

I realized then, God was the one I was missing all this time. I haven't talked to Him for a long time then. I handled my problems all alone and didn't seek help from Him. Which was wrong because it got me lost on my way and made me feel more alone than before.

But now, I am happier than I was. I've learned to accept things and took the consequences from my mistakes as lessons. I learned to move on. I learned to love myself. I learned to appreciate those who stayed by my side when things get real and rough, and learned to let go of those who couldn't or wouldn't. Most importantly, I've learned to seek God first before anything else.

Remember that whenever you fall, He'd be there to help you up for you to continue your journey.

For those who have heavy problems and feel like they're alone, don't forget to talk to God.

But you could also email me, so I may help you.

thegem789@gmail.com

May God bless you all!