The summer before sophomore year is when my unhealthy eating habits started. I went into the doctor office for the normal semi-annual checkup and as I stepped on the scale, my weight was pushing one hundred and fifty-five pounds. My family pediatrician had come into the room quietly and I could tell he felt awkward. He looks at me and then at my dad and begins by questioning what I have been eating and how often I eat. He tells me and my father that I should start a healthier way of eating and suggests I should start to workout. I stepped out of my car, walked calmly up to my room, shut the door, turned the lights off, closed the curtains, laid on my bed, and looked up at the ceiling. I thought about all the little comments my brothers would make, “Anna is on a seafood diet, she sees food and she eats it!” Tears started to roll down my cheeks then passing by my lips to eventually roll down my neck and finally stain my old t-shirt’s crew neck. Little did I know that this struggle would be a long fight to a never ending war to love myself and others around me.

I began to isolate myself from my family and friends and I started to focus on everything that passed my lips. Plugging every little snack into MyFitnessPal to see the exact calories and making sure I was eating less than what I had the previous day. The goal was to always be hungry and to never feel full. This emptiness made my ability to concentrate on anything but food and working out impossible for me. My daily plan was to wake up and go for a run or bike ride then take a cold shower to burn even more calories. I would usually skip breakfast and lunch and push myself to make a plan for dinner so my parents thought I was eating. I normally would pick at my food until everyone else had finished and left the eating area to then throw my food away. I would sleep all day to avoid the constant nagging of my stomach for nourishment. Every morning I would wake up and pull my scale out from under my bed and see how much I was worth. No matter what the number was, I was never happy. My mom started to worry, “Did you eat today??” and “Anna you are looking very thin.” I always lied and could not bring myself to believe what she would tell me. What good could people possibly see in a body that I despised my entire life? By the end of summer, I had lost twenty pounds and my happiness.

Sophomore year passed and I had a rough year, but I made it to summer. This time around I had new friends and a better home situation. I stopped isolating myself and grew in my relationships instead. I had a few bumps throughout the summer, but overall I was a much happier person. However, I did not start to love myself until recently. I had gone through a mentally tough relationship with a boy and the feelings of self-hatred started to stir within me again, but this time I had a stronger mindset. The first few months after the breakup were awfully hard on me because I was also dealing with my parents’ separation and moving into two homes.  Instead of letting myself look in the mirror with anger and sadness, I started to compliment myself in private. What helped me the most were the little phrases I would tell myself such as, “You are looking good today!” or “I feel like my outfit is looking great today.” These positive words would help me have an overall confidence that I had never had for myself before. By speaking to myself in a more friendly manner, I realized that I was starting to love myself. This feeling started to flourish within me and others started to see that as well. Looking at how gorgeous the day was instead of staying inside unless I needed to go for a run. I began to constantly thank God for every experience he gave me and everything that I had learned through my battles. Through understanding that my body is mine forever and there is no way of changing the body God gave me led me to be filled with love for myself and gratitude towards God.