I stayed up late one friday night, and did some research on my laptop to figure out the problems that I was facing. I went on a few sites and googled some questions to find out what was going on with me. I was curious and concerned you could say. My parents were as well, and were noticing recent changes in my actions that were unusual. My mom especially thought she knew exactly what was wrong, and she ended up being right. And let’s just say I found out a few things about myself, and wasn’t happy about it. But it did make a lot more sense after finding out, and it was tearing my life apart.

***

Google search 1- What are symptoms of anxiety?

4 types of anxiety: (from WebMD)

1) Panic attack- Panic attack symptoms include sweating, chest pain, irregular heartbeats, and sometimes feelings of having a heart attack or even choking.

2) Social anxiety- Social Anxiety is when you suffer from everyday social situations and worried of being either judged or embarrassed.

3) Certain phobias- This is when you have fear from certain things or situations (for example, small spaces).

4) Generalized anxiety- Feeling of excessive worry and stress for no reason.

Google search 2- How do you know if you’re depressed?

Depression symptoms: (from Beyondblue)

-headaches/sore body

-problems with sleep

-run down

-miserable

-trouble concentrating

-withdrawing from family/friends

-overwhelmed

-always tired

-not wanting to go out

***

Society suggests you shouldn’t self-diagnose yourself, which no one ever listens to considering I do it all the time. The reason you shouldn’t is because you could say you have a headache and it’ll say you’re experiencing symptoms of a stroke. Which most likely isn’t the truth. Although I’m not a doctor I do have some common sense. I looked up symptoms I was experiencing all the time and it was giving me a bunch of disorders that I could possibly have. I was having headaches almost everyday, I was stressing all the time, I would sweat constantly, I couldn’t sleep at night, I was tired even when I hadn’t done anything for the day, I was upset for no reason, I was having random mood swings, and I couldn’t even talk to someone without worrying I was going to embarrass myself because I was so shy. That’s when I knew I had both anxiety and depression.

All of the things I was experiencing were horrible, it honestly sucked sometimes. My headaches were mind-numbing and I couldn’t finish assignments that were due because of the endless pain. But I don’t get headaches that much anymore. Reason is because since I was young I have drank soda. As I got older I drank more Coca-Cola and now red bulls every morning just to start my day off right because my caffeine addiction was and still is pretty bad and it stopped me from getting those headaches. My stress was terrible to the point where my mom even wanted me on medication because she knew I had bad anxiety especially from all the stomachaches I had complained about and things I would get nervous about, but I never went on medication for that. I never wanted to hang outside of school with friends because I was worried about dumb things. She also wanted me on antidepressants because I was upset for no reason, taking my anger out on my family when they did nothing to me, and some days I wouldn’t do a single thing but still be tired even though I had trouble falling asleep at night. This all led my mom to believe I had both anxiety and depression.

After knowing I had both anxiety and depression I realized it has negatively changed my life to the point where I couldn’t face everyday struggles. It messed with my life from day to day. People think anxiety is just stress before you’re going to take a test or something, and it’s not. People also think depression is just being upset all the time, and it’s not. Being in the eyes of someone who does have both these disorders knows that both of those answers are wrong. Anxiety and depression are far more than a little bit of stress and sadness.

On the outside you can see a bright and beautiful smile, and you think it’s real, but you’re wrong. That smile is the opposite of real. Fake. It’s extremely easy to put on a fake smile throughout school, work, or whenever you are around people. Then you go home and that smile jumps right off of your face and you no longer have to pretend. Which makes everything a lot easier. Although pretending to be happy can be a piece of cake. It’s when someone asks you if you’re okay and you break down completely. It’s tough though.

***

Things to do today:

Wake up at 6am and get dressed.
Will I have the motivation to get up? Probably not.
Go to work for 8 hours.
I want to quit.
Run a few errands.
I hate being out in public but...
Head home and take a shower.
I’ve been looking forward to take a warm and long shower.
Go to friends house for sleepover.
I’m so tired, and do I even have friends?

***

My usual days consist of either going to school or work. I hate both of those places. I wake up during the week early, go to school, then either go home or to work for three hours after school. On the weekends I also wake up early then go to work for eight hours then get home and end up heading to bed a few hours after. That’s my life for you I guess. I am drained all day everyday. One day I was at school and texted my mom asking if she would pick me up. Reason is because I was having a small panic attack, my day was crap, some girls were being extremely rude to me, and I was over it. That happens a lot to be honest where I want to leave school especially because of other people ruining my day. But I can’t get dismissed from school everyday. I’m also not the most popular girl in school but I definitely have a couple of true friends that I’m grateful for. Although sometimes on my bad days my anxiety and depression ruin that for me and make me think differently. It messes with my head at random and makes me think that I am alone sometimes. Although I know I’m not completely alone. I felt like my life was being completely controlled by these two things and it felt like my whole life even revolved around it.

***

At five years old the only thing I was scared of were make-believe ghosts.

Plus five years.

At ten years old I was scared of watching horror movies alone.

Plus five years.

At fifteen years old I was scared to go out in public or even be seen.

Big difference.

***

But as of today I still struggle with both these problems. I have chose not to be put on medication as I have heard it can affect younger people more and could possibly lead to worse problems. So I thought it was best to avoid more complications. I have learned throughout my journey that I do have people supporting me no matter what even if it just a couple of people. I would rather have a few true friends and a good family rather than a bunch of fake friends who are careless. I learn more and more everyday from my depression and anxiety in a way which has sort of helped me in some situations.

This is my story that has yet to be shared with the world and people around me.

*Citations*

“Beyondblue.” On People in the LGBTI Community, 2018.

“Anxiety Disorders: Types, Causes, Symptoms, Diagnosis, Treatment.” WebMD, WebMD, 2005.