One of the hardest things that a girl can go through is the absence of her mother in her life, whether it’s due to addiction, death, or just absence. Sometimes, you feel as if you’re missing out, or you’re living an abnormal life. This is how I feel. It hits you hard when you see mothers and daughters together, laughing, shopping, having a good time, or even when you hear about it. Especially in May, when “Happy Mother’s Day” cards are shoved in your face anywhere you go, realizing that you will never have to buy one of those. It’s something you have to deal with every day, and it’s something you have to use to grow and learn from.

I heard she was beautiful - a strong, independent, intelligent woman. She was known as the most beautiful woman in her high school, and my dad was considered “super lucky” to be able to be with her. Maybe this was the reason they rushed into things. They were married by the time they were 17, and my brother had already been born. I was born shortly after. Maybe my father rushed things in fear of losing someone like her.  I will never know, mainly because my father refuses to talk about her and what happened between them. I am often told by my family that I look so much like her, but I don’t want that. I don’t remember the woman that was extremely beautiful. I never met her. The one I remember was about 20 pounds underweight, with sunken in eyes, and pale skin that was covered with bruises and cuts. I don’t want to look like that woman; she was far from beautiful. 

“There is nothing like a mother's love. On her wedding day, a bride will always notice the emptiness in the room even if nobody else does, and she will zip her own wedding dress, something her mother is supposed to do for her.” This will be me. And not just on this very important day, but on many other occasions as well, such as prom, graduation and leaving for college. My future children, who one day I will have to explain everything to will ask where she is. I’ll have to explain to them the reason their grandmother isn’t in their life, and the reason she never will be. My hope is for them to use this as a stepping stone in their life and an example of what they don’t want to be; just as I have done.

She taught me things. She taught me that I never wanted to be like her. She let addiction take over her life, as my brother and I no longer mattered. She would buy drugs over food, and we would often have to watch bad things happen. This caused lots of anxiety and trust issues for me. I would let nobody into my life, for fear of getting hurt. This lack of social interaction led to depression. I am getting better now. It gets easier with time, for I am mainly just trying to forget. I refuse to take medicine, or go to the doctor, because of her. Every pill taken, every anxiety attack or depression episode, brings me closer to the woman she was, and I hate that. I hate what she did to me. Everyday I fight it, and I get stronger. I will continue to do so for the rest of my life, I will continue to better myself and prove to my mother that she was wrong about me, I will do great things, and I will be happy. Losing my mother was rough growing up. Not having a woman to look up to and get advice from was even harder. But as crazy as it sounds, she’s turning me into an amazing woman, and one day I will do my absolute best for my kids everyday, something that she didn’t do. I used her as an example for what not to be, and I’m grateful to her, for making me the person I am today. I learned from her mistakes, and I will continue to do so, for as long as I live.