This is to you. I understand that the world has beauty and love and light but it took me a long time to understand and find that but I did and you will too.

When I was younger (middle school) I had body issues. I used to be a heavier child and I knew that and so did everyone else. I was made fun of it and it hit me in 7th grade that I didn't want to be like this so I decided to change it but I didn't know how. I didn't know how to get fast results. A thought came to my mind and it wasn't the healthiest way but it was a way. I starved myself. I had one meal a day and sometimes no meals. I started to see results and soon after so did everyone else the bullying was slowly stopping and I loved it. Therefore all of 7th grade this continued. When I got really into volleyball all of the exercise and movement was helping and I slowly started eating again.

This is where I could start to see the light and beauty.

It didn't last long.

My parents were constantly fighting and when you're little and young and full of life you don't think about your parents getting a divorce because you think their love is forever and they will grow old together. So when they fight you brush it off and don't really think anything of it.

In 2014, (three ish years from 7th grade) my guardian angel went to heaven. For the longest time I blamed myself. I wanted to be there (I knew my mom and aunt couldn't because they were in Alabama telling our family that she isn't going to last much longer) with her holding her hand telling her it's okay to let go. I knew she hated being at Courtney Manor so I visited her everyday. We were very close. I know a lot of things no one else knows. I made a promise to her and I have never told anyone what she told me the night we were laying in a hotel room talking about life. She was the one person that could bring my heart joy even when life was slipping out of her. Rest In Peace.

Only a year after that, in 2015, my parents got a divorce. My dad travels a lot for work and one time when he got home he collected some clothes and some shoes and left. He was staying in a cheap motel until he could find somewhere. He jumped from hotel to hotel to an apartment and then to a house and then another. I stayed with my mother while he settled in. I didn't talk to either of them for a while. I came and went as I pleased and didn't care. I started to party every weekend and would get drunk and high. I didn't want to feel anything.  I was convinced that love doesn't exist and refused to get close to anyone. I was deep in depression. My mother noticed that when I wasn't out I would lock myself in my room for days. I wouldn't eat or move for days. My mom convinced me to go to the doctors to see what was going on with me. They gave me pills upon pills. I took them and they didn't help. I didn't want help therefore I stopped taking them. I thought I was fine and it was just a phase I would get over.

At this point I was convinced there was no more light or beauty. I wanted to die.

The next summer after my parents got a divorce, my childhood house was sold. I didn't help my mom move out because I didn't want to leave. I was always gone. When everything was moved to the new house, I went into my childhood home one last time and wrote on the wall in my closet that my dad would write my height on. That was my good-bye to my childhood home.

My partying days were not over. They got worse. I let people use me and take advantage of me as if I was worthless. It felt good at the time knowing that someone wanted me whether it was just to use me or they actually liked me. I still didn't let anyone get close to me. I wasn't going to let anyone hurt me over love again. I now look back and realize that the only one hurting me was myself. I was at a very low point so low I had this calendar where I would plan a date and that was the date my life would end.

And then something happened. I still to this day thank God everyday. This boy came into my life and yes this might sound cheesy but I truly believe that he saved me. He made me start to  see the light again. Everything was great he was perfect and I never knew anyone like him could exist. I stopped partying, I stopped drinking, I stopped using drugs, I was truly loved and that was enough for me.

Everything was great for about 7 months and then my world came crashing down. The boy who saved me from myself broke my heart into a million peices. I was crushed. All of the bad and wrong feelings he took away from me came flooding back into my life and I was ruined. I was such a negative person I drove him away. This made me realise I need help. I drove the one thing in my life that didn't judge, the one that truly loved me away. I went back to the doctors and started going to counseling. I told my story to my counselor and she was so understanding and helpful.

I started to look at the beauty in life. For example, to this day, I look at the sky in the morning and the evening and realise how beautiful and delicate it is.

The boy realized how I've devoted my time into getting myself help and that's all he wanted for me was to truly be happy and not rely all my time on him. I couldn't be more grateful, if he wouldn't of broken up with me, I wouldn't have realised that I needed help. 

So this is to you. Life is hard it has beauty and love but also dark and evil. We choose what affects us. You might be going through a rough time. Don't think you are alone because we all go through hard times whether we want to or not. I promise things do turn around and get better. So this is to you. Hang in there.