“You are beautiful.”

I blush, not used to such compliments, but I don’t look away from his dark, dangerous eyes. They have no end. As I float and wander through their depths, I forget which way is up, which way is down. I am falling through space, weightless and heavy all at once. An infinitesimal, interminable moment is filled only with heartbeats and breath. I wait for the glide of his sensual lips on mine. And Oh, the collision is deafening in my mind. It erases all other thoughts, except this one, passionate moment. Under the stars, the milky twilight, we are one being. No longer boy and girl, but simply sensation. It is a torrid, desperate kiss that sears my lips, my memory: burning me and marking me as his.

Hot stuff, huh? If only it actually happened. Because, you see, this is only a fantasy in my world. The fantasy of my first kiss with the bad-ass, jazz-drumming Jarrett. He had a body that a sculptor begs to carve into stone; a face that an artist itches to paint. Basically, he was a god.

We attended music school together. I saw him perform in a concert and boy, if I wasn’t interested in him before, seeing him play definitely sealed the deal. Jarrett was enrapturing when he performed, like a cheetah stalking through the jungle: sleek, smooth, sexy.

Not sure if I mentioned it already, but Jarrett was a god.

After the concert ended, I made an impulsive decision to approach him.
“Hey. Ummm, are you Jarrett?” I, of course, couldn’t act like I knew his name, or anything else about him. Even though I, of course, knew almost everything since I stalked him on Facebook. Anyway.
  “Uh, yeah.” he replied. Oh my god, (I really should say, “Oh my Jarrett.”) his voice was rich, dark chocolate. Yummy.
“I just saw you perform. You are really amazing.”
“Oh… umm, thanks.” He blushed and self-consciously rubbed a hand over the back of his neck. Of all things, he was also modest. Could this god become anymore godlier?

“Well, I just wanted to tell you that. See you around.” As I turned to walk away, overwhelmed with his perfection and so proud of myself for accomplishing an extremely nerve-racking task – talking to gods is scary stuff – he asked: “Wait, you want to exchange numbers or something?”

No guy had ever wanted to give me his number. Much less a god! I felt like I was floating. Like I was dreaming. If I touched his hand, it might go right through. My heart felt too mighty for my chest.

For the next three weeks, we spoke everyday. I was in heaven. Woke up to angels singing in my ear. Spent the day with cherubs flying around my head. And instead of seeing darkness behind my closed eyelids, I saw the bright, white light of the Pearly Gates. The longer we texted the steamier our conversations became. We talked constantly about hanging out. But as that day came closer, he slowly, but surely stopped responding to my messages. First it was simply a few days. Then those few days became a week. That week became two. 
Finally, I bluntly asked him if he was even interested in me anymore. He responded: “It’s not like I’m not interested…” But it’s not like you are interested either. And so my fantasy kiss never arrived.

Of course, I was dying for that moment, but what I really wanted was to know the sound of his sneezes. The way he stilled for a second, his face frozen in contorted anticipation. Then the explosion that followed, so powerful he shut his eyes from the impact. The devil forcing its way into my god.

  When I close my eyes I can see the sound of his sneeze. The motion is ingrained in my memory. All of his motions are. The smile that slowly tugs as his lips. The laugh that seems to catch, even him, by surprise. The heady smell of his sweat after a workout. The rhythmic tap of his feet when he’s nervous. During that infinitesimal, interminable moment, it all flashes before my closed eyelids, under a backdrop of bright, white light. The kiss is blistering as always, but paired with the images that berate my senses, it becomes overwhelming, dizzying. Oh, it is too much. Too mighty. He has allowed me to enter his heart. And that is a beautiful and precious thing that I am desperate to know everything about.