When my parents were in college, there was a story told of a woman in a supermarket whose child was misbehaving. Allegedly, the woman, as a means of disciplining her child said, “Spatula! Be-have!” Of course, most believed this simply to be a silly rumor. However, years later, my father heard a radio broadcast listing the top ten worst names for a child, and do you know what number one was? Spatula. Which led to the fact that, when presented with the challenge of naming their first dog, my parents decided to name her Spatula.

Spatula, as it turns out, is not nearly as bad of a name for a dog as it is for a child. It can be shortened to simply Spatch, as we typically called her, or, for a child whose “s” pronunciation is less than admirable, Patch. While Spatula is now dead and gone, she set a tradition of odd and creative dog-naming that we have carried on to this day, naming our second dog Boudreaux, a Cajun name (and, as we later found out, a diaper rash cream), and our third dog Gus, after Auburn’s head coach.

     When choosing a name for your dog, it is best to consider many things. Firstly, what will your neighbors think if they hear you calling your dog’s name? As amusing as a name such as Gluteus Maximus may seem at first, you will regret it later if you happen to lose Gluteus Maximus, or if Gluteus Maximus simply refuses to come inside. Also, if you wish to enlist the help of your neighbors in finding said lost dog, most are more likely to agree to help if they can yell something not embarrassing, such as, “Here, Bella,” as opposed to, “Here, Gluteus Maximus!”

     Secondly, choose either a name that can easily be shortened or a name that is already so short that cutting it down is not necessary. Again, Chavatangakwunua may seem like a fun and creative thing to name a dog, but when it comes time to scold him, “No Chavatangakwunua, No,” takes far too long to say. If you must have a complicated name, one such as Beniaminito is much better, as it can simply be shortened to Ben or Ito, whatever your particular preference is. As far as dog names go, three syllables should be your max, unless you have a shorter nickname in hand.

Keep in mind that this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t name your dog something exciting. No one wants to hear about how Fido or Buddy chewed up the sofa, or how Lily is going to have a new litter of puppies soon. However, R2’s antics ought to get a few laughs from your nerd friends, and Monet’s darling new puppies will make those art connoisseurs on your in-law’s side sigh. Or, if you want to be truly creative, smash together a blend of consonants and vowels and make up your own! That’s how must words are made anyways, right?

Please, take your time and pick out the right name for your dog. Dog-naming is an art, and one mastered by few. Never should you look up the list of “Most Common Dog Names,” unless to discover which names you will not use. Of course, the name of your dog should be something meaningful to all of the involved parties, but if the little one wants to name it Poo-Poo, I suggest you not succumb to its whim! Now, please repeat after me. “I solemnly swear to never ever ever name my dog something boring or unwieldy, and to always choose a name I have never heard a dog called by before.” There. You have solemnly sworn, and now it is your duty to expand the art of dog-naming throughout the world!