I checked on Morgan and Molly throughout the day to make sure their grandparents were okay and that they were okay. They were supposed to go to a concert with me but that changed when she found out her grandparents were in a motorcycle wreck. I really love my best friends. Maybe I get a bit too attached and overprotective. That’s only because I hate seeing my friends upset or hurt in any way.  I was ecstatic when I found out that she could go to the concert with her little sister and that their dad was taking them. When I told my mom, she was happy too. I knew she was concerned even though she didn’t let on all that much about it.   She cared about the girls and treated them like they were my sisters. And they were. I remember the first time I showed them Fall Out Boy. It was their bloodiest and goriest video ever but I knew Molly would love it. She was really into this stuff. Morgan on the other hand, was not.
I liked seeing them happy. It never failed to make me happy too so it really hurt to see them so upset. I knew they loved their grandparents and they still do. Morgan loves to talk about her adventures at her grandparents. Molly always goes on about eating too much sugar and getting in trouble. It’s what she’s always managed to do best. I knew they were sad they couldn’t go. They’ve been waiting since the day the tickets were released in December for that day, July 5th. The girls were so excited to spend the day together and go to our favorite band’s concert.  So when they couldn’t spend the day with my mom and I, they were sad and I knew it. It was easy to see. I knew they held on to any hope they could get to that concert even if they were late. They did get to go and I waited to see them arrive. They said that they’d be late. Better late than never. They got there in the middle of the first headliner.
“I shouldn’t let this worry me anymore. They’ll get here. Their dad never fails.” I thought to myself as we approached the mass of people outside the Marcus Amphitheater.
By the time the show started, my mom and I were bubbling with excitement. The opener came on. I remember how good the lead singer of New Politics was at not only singing, but dancing too. He wore a Misfits shirt and twisted his body in ways and at speeds I was almost certain wasn’t possible. Then they left. It was a fun little warm up and was relatively quiet in comparison to what I was panicking about. I knew it would get louder as the night progressed and I’ll admit I was still nervous about how loud the last band was going to be but I quickly got swept up by the next band.
I’ve always loved Paramore and have listened to them for as long as I could remember. The lead singer’s hair was now blue. Not like the usual orange color I remembered it being. I was thrilled to be there. She was bouncy and bubbly as usual and the whole stage lit up because of that. She smiled and seemed genuinely happy being there. She looked like a fairy. She bounced around on her feet and jumping around like she was flying. Flying in a forest full of color as 3 rows of 4 or 5 disco balls were revealed. They were like the stars in the forest sky. They were high above anyone else and sparkled in a beautiful way that left me stunned.
Then she mentioned how the band had been around for 10 years. The shock hit me slowly. I’d been listening to their music for way over half my life. Paramore was huge for me and I’ll always know that. I remember Misery Business playing in the car when I was little but I barely imagined it’d been that long. I’d have to thank my Mom for that. For playing their Riot! album to school when I was in elementary school. Singing those songs even though singing is not my strong suit. I did it anyway and you were not going to stop me. I smiled all the way through their performance as I sang at the top of my lungs even though I may not have heard the songs in years. I still sang like I was little. I knew all the words again.
I enjoyed myself fully and felt the worries slide away like Elmer’s Glue stuck to a child’s hands. I’m pretty sure everyone is familiar with this somehow. I eventually felt no stress or anxiety. This was a place the external world could not touch me. I loved that. No due dates, no places to be, no ignorant and judgmental humans. This was happiness. Between the issues my depression and anxiety gave me this place was heaven. I loved it there. The music was loud and I wasn’t going to be judged for the fact I can’t sing or dance. I could jump around and honestly not care. I was seeing my favorite bands live for the first time ever. The adrenaline was pumping through my veins at full force now.
Nothing could touch me as I sang The Only Exception as loud as I could. It felt like it was barely a full heartbeat before Paramore was done and Hayley waved and left the stage. I felt sad saying goodbye to a band I had almost forgotten about and brushed off with most of my elementary years which I don’t remember anyway. Just as soon as that sadness swept in like a cold autumn day it disappeared and was replaced with the excitement I remembered from December when I got the tickets. Giddy like a 4 year old who found out she could go to Disney World. It was probably the same reaction my Mom and I had when we found out we could go to Disney but that’s a story for another time.
     When the 5 guys of Fall Out Boy came on stage my heart skipped a beat. The singer was looking adorable as ever. They all wore black. I couldn’t imagine how hot it was up on that stage and why they were wearing black even though they knew that. It was half way through the first song when the drummer stripped his shirt off and an eruption of squeals emerged from the teenage fangirls of the audience. I laughed. I had a feeling it was a drummer related thing.
The haze the fog machines created reminded me of an enchanted forest with hidden secrets and curses. It gave off an aura that pulled you in and wouldn’t let go. That’s exactly how it felt. Like I was a girl who stumbled into the wrong end of the forest trying to find her way home. That was the fandom life though. Once you got dragged in there was no backing out. It’s not so bad. Then, at the concert, it felt like a dream. It felt better than life without it. It was a curse that I didn’t know was being put on me at the time but now is like a poison. Set in and pumping through my veins. Intermixed with the blood I need to survive and be human
I was letting loose. I wasn’t even thinking. Just busting out the words to A Little Less Sixteen Candles, A Little More Touch Me which is still my favorite song by them. At home I blasted that song as loud as I could without getting in trouble. Singing even though my parents compared me to a choking cat. I  bounced around more than the Energizer Bunny and still had the energy to keep going.
Nothing can ever replace the feeling of having your favorite band  in the same place as you and them performing your favorite song louder than you could ever get away with at home and singing it louder than would ever be excusable otherwise. This was what I was in love with. This made me happy. Not being home alone all day watching anime and Supernatural, working at the library, and eating more candy than I probably should. I thought that was fun. The summer I always wanted. It was only early July but if I could slap the June version of myself, I would. This was amazing. It was one of the best days of my life. Even though I’m only 14 I can keep count of this.
I laughed out loud when I thought this. That earned me the look of “What are you doing, Child?” from my Mom but I’m so familiar with the look that it doesn’t bother me anymore.
I kept singing until my voice cracked and became sore. I sang until it hurt to sing. But I kept going because this was my thank you to Fall Out Boy. It was my thank you to them for bringing Andy back to Milwaukee, his hometown. It was my opportunity to scream “Thank you!” to Joe for creating Fall Out Boy in the first place. It was me thanking Pete for writing some of the lyrics that made me cry and laugh and making me fall in love with this band in the first place. For thanking Patrick for being downright adorable and knocking me off my feet with some of the vocals he has done. Thanking them for making me smile and helping me through some pretty cruddy times.
Then they were thanking us and saying goodbye.
I felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest and drop kicked into an electrically charged barb wire fence. I couldn’t believe it was over so soon. It was pitch black in the outer world and I felt like sitting in that seat and staring at that stage forever. Looking back and remembering my life changed somehow. It was the buzz that you knew you’d never be the same again. That you’d never look at them the same way.  That my relationship, even though I’ve never formally met them, has grown. That it may be indestructible.
Fall Out Boy has been around my whole life. When I was 7 I could recognize any part of their songs on the radio and I’d turn it off in a flash. It’s funny that 7 years ago I hated the band that I didn’t want to leave at that moment. I was following mom in a daze. I stayed close and said nothing. I was so lost in thought and I hoped I didn’t actually get lost. In the car we spoke.
     “Ezry, are you okay?” Mom looked slightly concerned.
     “I’m fine. Just wishing I didn’t have to leave.”
     Mom only nodded. I knew she understood. I hoped I would have the same relationship with Fall Out Boy as my Mom had with Metallica. She saw them live 3 times and  she’s been listening to them for longer than I have been around. I wish I would see them more than 3 times. Maybe I will. I leaned my head against the window and stared at the bright moon.
     I had a lapse where I thought it was a dream again. It had been for months I waited for this day and I’ll admit the day didn’t work out perfectly but it happened. It actually happened. I saw Fall Out Boy and Paramore in the same night at the same venue. I thought that over and over again until I fell asleep.
     When I woke up the next morning I realized I slept in my clothes. Looking at my concert tee was only confirmation it happened. I saw them live. I had the same grin on my face the whole day and whenever I think about it. The happiness that I felt will never be replaced.
After rolling out of bed and painfully ripping a brush through my hair I went to text my friends. Even though I have short hair it tangles way too easy. I honestly can’t imagine the nightmare it’d be if I had long  hair as some of my friends. It’d take me forever to brush. I shuddered at that thought. It’s not like I have sensitive hair, it just snarls that badly. I grabbed my phone from the nightstand with the hairbrush still stuck in my hair. I was in a panicked rush at this point. I knew my friend would be asleep still. She hates anything remotely loud so I could only imagine she took tylenol before she fell asleep. That made me laugh a lot actually. She was such a wuss but I loved her anyway.
“Hey, Bi**hie! You up yet?” I hit send and waited for one of two responses. I got the second one thankfully.
“I’m up NOW, A**face. What do you want?” I could feel her annoyance. I knew this wasn’t the cute “Good morning, Beautiful!” texts she wanted to get. She’s friends with me, she honestly can’t expect me to be nice.
“Jeez, who peed in your Lucky Charms? Anyhoo, are your G-parents okay?”
“They’re okay. Wait, did you call me ‘Bi**hie’? That may be one of the nicer things you’ve ever called me. My GRANDparents are in ICU. They should be out sometime next month.”
I gasped at this and instantly felt awful. Not for calling her Bi**hie, but for her grandparents. How bad was it that they’d be in the hospital for a month? “How’d they get there? Will they be okay? Are you okay?”
“Relax. Jeez, I don’t understand why this matters to you. They got Flight For Life. They should be okay. Just a lot of scars. I’m fine, dumba**.”
I knew she was okay anyway. I just asked to make sure. A**face was her usual name for me. If anything was wrong, she’d call me by my name which she hasn’t done in forever. Dumba** was a daily occurrence. It couldn’t be a full day without a** related insults. The only reason I cared, besides the fact I’d known her for 5 years, was the fact I’d had a crush on her for a while now. She was drop dead gorgeous and we spent most of our free time together. It was her giggle maybe. Or the way her eyes lit up when she was happy. Her freckles all over her face and how they were accentuated even more when she got sunburned. She never found it cute or funny but I thought it was both. I smiled and knew that next month we’d spend 4 days together in the dells getting tan and having fun. The wave pools were her favorite. I put my phone down feeling a lot better and finished dragging the brush through my hair, still not ready for the day ahead. I just wanted to listen to Fall Out Boy and be with Morgan. I knew that that in the beginning of September would end something we’ve had for years. We were continuously glued at the hip given any opportunity. I’d get jealous when she’d hang out with our friends without me but I guess it made me happy. If she was happy I was happy. I’d have to make an effort for the next 4 years to be there for her. I’d do it though. She was my best friend for so long and we both loved Fall Out Boy. There really is no way it could get any better.