Summer 2014

...

It felt like my insides were tearing away from me.

The pain was overwhelming.

I could not think.

I could not breath.

I felt as though I was fading into a different world entirely.

Scared out of my mind.

I thought I was going to die.

Too young.

I was too young.

Maybe…

Maybe God was punishing me.

Or finally giving me what I asked for all those years.

…

Mom is banging at the door to the bathroom.

I open it.

I walk out to the couch.

Stumble.

I lay on the couch.

Can’t breathe.

…


We drive up to urgent care.

I walk in.

Breathing heavily.

They examine me.

Give me antibiotics.

Send me home.
…

Several days later the pain has barely faded.

My insides churn.

...

The pain lapses for a while.

I feel a bit better.

Then it returns.

Worse than ever.

…

And the questions begin.

What’s wrong with me?

What if I have cancer?

What if? What if? What if?

And then the answer almost seemed to loom before me.

What if I was pregnant?
…

I know… I know…

Immaculate conception just doesn’t happen.

But what if… What if it wasn’t immaculate…

What if…

I was drugged…

Just couldn’t remember
…

It’s funny…

But after a while…

Even if nothings there…

If you believe it is…

Nothing.

Nothing can prove you wrong.

...

I told my mom my fears, and we headed to the hospital a few days later to get an ultrasound. When the results came back a few days later to find nothing. I was sure they were wrong. If it wasn’t my little baby… what could it be? I searched myself to find that baby inside. I fell in love with her. Named her Iradel, and dreamed about her every night. But in the pit of my stomach there was an overwhelming pain… Knowing that my baby would never come.