I used to smile, but it faded. The times that you see me smiling or laughing- let me just tell you that it’s all fake. Right now I would rather be staring into the big nothingness that surrounds me. You know what I want to be? I want to be in the air. I want to be dancing freely with the wind. Having my own way of movement. My own way of thought. My own way of everything. Or is it that I want to be completely gone and alone?

I started distancing myself, telling people I was just "tired". People need to pay attention, and never look away. Because they are hard to spot, unless you're one of them. A suicidal girl. Once you’re suicidal your goal now is to be gone. All you want to do is stop breathing because breathing hurts most of all. You believe that you don’t deserve life. You believe you don’t deserve good.

It’s hard for some people that haven’t had depression to understand what it’s like. To understand what it’s like to drag yourself out of bed only waiting for the time that you get back to bed. Depression takes the best of you. Depression takes a piece of you and never gives it back.

Just remember: I was a happy girl once. People took that away from me. They judged me. They spoke about me. They made me feel so small. If you’re curvy, you’re too fat. If you're "too skinny," you’re anorexic. No matter what, you get judged and it will always be this way. Everyone tries to fit into society's perfect image, and when you can't fit into that? It's hard to handle. If someone didn’t like how you looked that would be a huge problem and it would eventually leave a stain on your memory and heart.

But not only that, the littlest things would hurt me. I was so hurt. People pushed me to the point where taking my life was the only option. I always wanted the good, but I usually got the bad. Isn’t that sweet? It's sad that people have to hurt another human being just to feel better about themselves.

I was laying in my bed drowning in my self hate, hating every inch of myself. As I laid there I felt numb, so I opened my skin to feel something. Anything. I wanted to feel physical pain, to distract my mental pain for just a little bit. I felt like if I killed myself, the stars would still appear, the sun would still come out, the earth would still rotate, the seasons would still change. So. Why not? I felt so unwanted, so unloved, I felt everything crashing down at once. All the pain I've felt in my life came to me at the one moment, and that's when I realized that I didn't want to be alive. I cried and cried until I finally got the guts to do it. I couldn't handle the pain anymore.

I went into my kitchen and grabbed a bottle of Tylenol and water. I ran into my room hiding the fact that I was dying inside; and ready to die for real. I got to my room, turned my lights off, and laid in my bed. I texted everyone "goodbye." No one mattered at that moment. All I wanted to feel was free. I took the pills. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. I laid there and prayed to die. I felt my heart beating in my ears, I started sweating then, it turned black. When you die, they say you are at peace and they are 100% right.

I remember waking up in a hospital bed, screaming and crying. It wasn't even peaceful. I was always afraid this would happen, try to kill myself and then it fail. I woke up. I was hoping for all the pain to be over, for all the hurt to go away, for me to sleep forever. I looked over and saw my mother, she was holding my hand. She gave me my phone, and all the people that had hurt me texted me asking if I was "okay". It's funny how people start to care when you’re gone, or when you give up.

I don't understand how many suicides it has to take for people to realize that the things they say hurt.

I believe that I am alive for a reason. I believe that everyone has a purpose to life now. It doesn’t matter where you grow up or with whom you grow up. You’re the one that needs to make the change. You’re the one that is going to push yourself to do amazing things, not others.

Always keep the person that has always been there for you. Always remember that person. Keep that person in mind. Do good to that person. Think as if that person were you. How would you like to be treated? Those people to me are: Devin Mulic and Teuta Hoxha.

No, I am not 100% better but I will get there. No matter how long it takes me I will hold on as tight as I can till I am happy again. I wouldn't be alive if it weren't for the few friends I have and my parents. I will never give up on myself ever again. When things get hard, it only gives you a reason to fight back harder.

Always stay strong. We can get through this together.