Dear Sister,
Pictures scattered around me, memories flowing through my mind. They surround my room as I wonder what went wrong. It seems like it was just yesterday when we were in the park, laying on the luscious grass in our small garden full of life and flowers, laughing uncontrollably, unstoppable. Dad is in the background of the picture, looking down at us, his face glowing. Back then, the thought of losing him was unbearable. Isn’t it weird how so much can change in so little time? Day by day it seems as if everything is the same, we can’t see how much our life has changed until we look back on it a year later. It’s been seven years since dad has left and five days since you have passed. Why do these things happen to me, to us? I remember when your teacher asked you what you wanted to be when you grow up. You answered saying, “happy”. Such a simple word yet so complicated.. Happiness. Does anyone truly know what it means?

I have always admired you for saying that, realizing how mature you were at eight years old. Not one individual understood life more than you did, as you paid attention to every tiny detail. Peoples sorrows, dreams, wishes.. I remember hearing mom and dad quarreling as the moon shone. Not being able to fall asleep, you would crawl into my bed, lay your head on my chest, and we would fall asleep together, forgetting about the outside world. Only you had the power to do that, to bring light into darkness.

I never knew how much you meant to me until that car accident, that stupid car accident. The thought overwhelms my mind, the scene playing over and over again. I lay in bed squirming, hands on my ears, screaming, tears forming in my eyes, wanting to forget everything.
Loud music. Eye contact. Dancing. Lights flash before me. My head hits the glass window. Fifteen seconds pass. Your eyes are closed. I scream but nothing comes out. Blood and glass everywhere. Blackness. Waking up in the hospital. Bruises everywhere. I see your calm pale face as the doctors surround you, moving and talking all too fast.
I don’t know what to do with myself.. I miss you.

-B.

Dear Sister,
2 months have passed since my last letter. I have gone to your grave every possible day I can, as hard as it is. People look at me in wonder, wanting to see how I react to your death. They treat me like an inferior, like a glass that could tip over and break any minute, any second. My motivation is gone, and my grades have gone from B’s to D’s. My friends look at me, their eyes apologetic. No one understands.

I imagine what you would do in my position. You have made me braver, stronger. I imagine you looking at me, with those big green eyes full of mischief, hope and love. I smile as I hear you making fun of my actions, jokingly calling me a loser because I do my homework on Friday nights instead of hanging out with my friends. I smile as I think of our plan to write each other letters every other day once you go to college. I smile thinking of our lazy days, buying a pint of ice cream and eating it all while watching our favorite TV shows.

I lay in bed every night not able to go to sleep, too busy thinking of you. I hear mom crying in the other room, whispering your name over and over again, as if the more she does it, the easier it will get. Once the tears start falling down my face, they become unstoppable, controlling my body. And in the morning.. Mom and I pretend as if we have been completely fine although we both know how broken we truly are.
I love you,
-B.
Dear Sister,
A part of me is gone, missing forever. I will never be the same. I should have died instead of you. Life no longer brings me joy, and I no longer feel the need to have a fake smile on my face and pretend I am happy. I have become weak, I no longer have hope. The world is in black and white. I am emotionless. All I am able to do is think of how much I miss you, what we would do if we were together. We’d catch up on everything that has happened since we’ve last seen each other, tell each other stories while laughing until our stomachs hurt.

Mom has been getting angry at me because of my depression. She tells me I have to “lighten up” because it’s been six months since you were taken from us. She does not understand. No one will ever understand. My body is weak, I no longer feel the need to wake up in the morning.. Sleep attracts me like the stars are attracted to the night.

I miss you, I miss you, I miss you and I can’t live without you being here by my side.

-B.
Dear Sister,
I was looking through your room when I found an entry from your diary: “After contemplating suicide for the past few months, I saw Bell smiling for the first time since you, our own father, abandoned us. Seeing her smile, I realized how much life there is left.. There are still so many opportunities and I have just barely lived. I want to be an idol to my kids, be able to talk to them about depression and how I overcame it. I will not let this control my body. I am unstoppable.”

How are you able to save me even when you’re gone?

-B.
PS: You are my hero.