I could smell the fire outside in detail, how the wood burnt and smoldered. I’ll never forget that moment, Nelly Furtado blared on our boom box out my mom’s bedroom window, we were eating chocolate malt cups, the ones with the small wooden spoon. This was a rarity in our home because my mom was strictly very healthy; usually there was never any ice cream or sweets of any sort. I can see the stars, and hear the quiet hush of the woods and orchard. The frogs in the trees, and the crickets in the grass, the wind rustling through the leaves as if to say we are here, do you see us? I can taste the now chocolaty, soon to be autumn, outside air. Hitler (our cat) was by me and I remember how, even when he ran around in the dark, you could always see the white tip of his mahogany brown tail. Yes, my childhood was at the fire pit dressed in my warm, green plaid sweater. Dancing with my mom around the fire, like witches we danced in sacred ritual. Those were some of the best times of my life; even now it still brings back the chill night, and the warmth of our fires.

Skip ahead ten years later and I was fifteen, still in middle school, finishing my eighth grade year, soon to be a freshman a in high school. Never mind those years in between, they were filled with heartache and loss. My dad causing trouble, money wasted and time lost, like grains of sand washing away from the beach. Like how in third grade I was raped, or how my father decided that he would rather smoke crack in his room over Christmas, then spend time with me. The sad thing was that my father still has not seen me in person in seven years. There were many good things too, like the years my mom was attempting to better our lives by going to college; I have never seen someone ever work so hard in my life than my mom in school. When I turned eleven my grandparents gave me a birthday present I can never forget, they disowned me and told me that they wanted nothing to do with me. As I said before those years are filled with heartbreak and loss, there were good times too, but those same years have made me who I am today. I am myself, stubborn and giving. I would give you the shirt off my back if you really needed it, and I am an artist both in words and in soul. No, I wouldn’t change those things because they made me who I am today, and I learned from those experiences to never give up.

I was 15 still in middle school, finishing up my eighth grade year, soon to be a freshman in high school, and I was nervous as hell until that first day, I was so nervous and then I met Ashton. My still best friend, and sometimes the only other person who can understand my brain when I am upset. I remember that first day clearly, I got on the bus and we were coming to the turn on the road, and then going down that road when we came to a stop. I was sitting in the back of the bus all bubbly and full of excitement to be going to a new location. I met Ashton because I was polite and I explained that I was her neighbor just down the road, I asked her about herself, so she told me and suddenly we just clicked. There was no other way to describe it except that we became fast friends. I remember telling her I was a Wiccan and that I love the moonlit sky filled with stars, the next day she got on the bus, she said “I have something for you, I just got them not that long ago, and I figured you would like one.” Suddenly she pulled out these bracelets and they were so awesome, I wish I still had mine, they were silver crescent moons with a star on each end of the moon, the bracelets were inlaid with red, blue, and green paua shell ( my favorite colors) and that was one of the best gifts I ever received. Our friendship grew over time and pretty soon I was having dinner at the house with her family. Then on Halloween of 2011 I got dumped by my summer girlfriend, and we were supposed to go to the roller rink for a costume party, I was dressing in drag. Long story short, I got ditched and Ashton was there for me. We went and I had an awesome night. Now she is having a baby in February and I can’t wait to be there for her. I went through a lot of s*** freshman year, and she always was there for me, so now it’s my turn.

So yeah I’ve made a ton of friends and grown since then, but some things will never change about me. I have been abused mentally by my dad; I have been tortured inside by, what sometimes felt like everyone around me. Yet I am still here, for me this is big because a year ago on the twenty first of November I had, had it with this world. Just as I was about to drown myself in the tub, I realized that I couldn’t do it. Not because I was afraid, I was ready to go, but simply because I knew I would be letting everyone who cared about me down, especially my mother. I told her about it that night when she got home, she knew that I had been in a bad place for some time and understood. I even read my goodbye letter to her, it was a tearstained page written in angst and from the darkness of which I emerged. I remember that moment so clearly, the expression on my face was of lost cause and lost hope, the air was humid wet and smoky, and I was wrapped in a towel from my room, most likely the one I used the night before. I was cold but the house was warm, and when my mom walked in the door with an expression of happiness on her face, when she saw me that look faded away, and the woman that took care of me my whole life crumbled when I said we needed to talk. Afterword I was a different person for some time. I was quiet and alone all the time, and after I surrounded myself with the people that loved me, and that I loved. The memory is still so very fresh in my mind, so detailed that I can even remember the smell of the chlorine that was in the water.

My life has changed and I am a different person now, I have overcome that abyss that never returns anything and goes nowhere. I am proud of myself in every way and I am me. Nothing will ever change that. This past summer I gave myself a stick and poke tattoo, I jabbed the needle in and out of my skin, over and over and I made something beautiful to me. It’s a three symbol tattoo, consisting of an eye, and infinity symbol, and a star. It stands for the eyes being the gateway to the soul, the infinite lives we have lived, and the hopes and dreams we have. The past is the past, but it can still taste like that chlorine filled bathtub. When it does I look into myself and to my family and friends, and I am reminded that I am still breathing, my heart is still beating and I am still living. My story is what I make of it, my life and endless cycle, and I am never alone. For tomorrow brings in a new story, new memories filled with pain and joy, and another day living. I’m still here, I have accomplished a lot in the year since then, and I am not going anywhere.