“…You were at homecoming that night right? With that kid that looked like your brother.” He said.
Great, I thought. Why don’t you go and bring him up again. It’s not like I was trying to move on from past memories. But I couldn’t be mad at him, he didn’t know how much things had changed in just a couple of months. Heck, he didn’t even know the guy as it is. Thank god. So there I was at a vegan restaurant, trying to find something meaty to eat. Even though, that was never going to happen. There I was trying to pretend I was fine, I was okay. Trying to play off just being tired. But that was never going to help; I had been ignoring myself for so long. So long, even the numbness of it all was wearing off. There I was, with my close family and friends lying to them. Lying to myself.

Now this guy I’m talking about, he isn’t a jerk. He isn’t cold-hearted, or a liar. He’s genuine. Cute. Respectful. He is kind. He is also a coward in some way. But, I’ll get back to the reasoning later. For right now, I’m just going to tell you everything.

A week before winter break, I knew that I had to start distancing myself. It wasn’t healthy for me to stay up all night, hoping for a text. My mom had taken my phone, so I was no longer wagering whether or not I should be the one to text first. I was making sure I rarely crossed his path during the school day. I wanted to move on. I knew with winter break coming up, this was the best chance I had. So there I was on the last day of school, waiting for my mom to pick me up. So was he, but I couldn’t stand to be there by him in silence. So I left, to visit a friend. By the time I had returned he was gone. As much as I hate to admit this, I was kind of devastated. I wanted to go back a couple minutes and be able to give him a hug and say goodbye. Have a good break. Anything. But that never happened.

The first part of winter break honestly was not that bad. I was occupied, I did not think too much of him at all. I never spoke his name and I taught my brain to not wander to memories of the past. I was doing really well. I was pretty damn proud of myself. Now obviously, reading this you’re predicting some kind of event to take place. But it is not the event, but how it made my mind react that is the story.

After a week, it felt like so much longer, I had gone on a blogging site of mine to see if there were any updates of a photo I had posted. The photo was of me, it was filtered. I must say, I couldn’t take my eyes off of myself. Ha. Flashing back, I had remembered a conversation I had had with him. He had just followed me on my blog; I told him that I followed him first. He said, looks like you’re winning! I smiled. So checking for notifications, I had 4 likes on the photo. From distant peers. Who I rarely ever saw or spoke to. So, that’s that. The next day, I go to post another picture. A random notification popped up. From none other. I read his name and my heart dropped. Then my mind went into a state of shock. Not by the fact that he had seen my photo and liked it after weeks of silence. But the fact that my heart had dropped, and started pounding. That my body had got ridiculously hot, in a matter of seconds. It finally clicked. I was nowhere near being ‘over’ him. Or whatever. I was flipping out over a damn photo. Kind of pathetic. But like everything else, I pushed it down. I ‘moved on’.

Winter break was halfway over. I hadn’t talked to my best friend in days. Because, she wasn’t calling me back. I later found out it had nothing to do with me. So we caught up, and she started mumbling about something that another friend had said. I questioned her. She replied with, he told me not to tell you. Okay, well my personality does not take that as an answer. Ten minutes in, I had convinced her to tell me. Here is what she said:

“He started talking to me about you guys. Said that he was a great guy, he and you would be good. He’d make a great boyfriend. He just needs to figure out if that is what he wants. If he wants to even be in a relationship, before he decides to do anything else. Because yes, he does like her. He just needs time.”
She immediately jumped into something else. Started talking about New Years Eve. I let what she had just told me go. Because surprisingly, it didn’t have any effect on me. We got off the phone, a short while later. And I began my late night marathon of old T.V shows.

2 o’clock rolled on in, it was late. I was watching this British show, Skins. This teenage relationship, about a girl who couldn’t choose what she wanted. I don’t even know. It was late. For some reason, the words that I had heard earlier that night replayed over and over in my head. I started getting upset. P**sed. That after all this time, his best friend was still talking about it, about us. Gosh, there isn’t even an ‘us’ that is what I was trying to show everyone. It was never going to happen. I realized I couldn’t deal with the talk and everything happening all over again. Like déjà freaking vu. I hate how people can develop a relationship, all while everyone else is doing the talking for them. That’s what happened with me. I was done with people talking about it to me, or behind my back. Because I knew eventually it would all come back around. But there is so much more…

So he is a great guy, yeah I know. I told you that. He and I would be good? Hm… doesn’t look like it?! So that line irked me. He’d make a great boyfriend, yeah.. Says his ‘guy’ best friend. He needs to figure out if he wants a relationship. This was the puncher. Hello!? What does that matter? He never asked me what I wanted. As far as he knows, I never even liked him! Because we never had that talk face to face. It was always us, playing telephone through our friends. There was a week, when every person who knew him. Came up to me and said: “He likes you, do you like him?” I straight up ignored them. Looked them in the eyes, and talked about something completely different. Because it p**sed me off. He told my best friends. I mean this guy isn’t stupid. He knew they were going to tell me. He took the coward way of letting me know. And no matter how much I tried. I could never get over that. So at that moment, no I didn’t like him. Not at all. But I kept my mouth shut, because it wasn’t anyone else’s business. Lastly, he just needs time? Yeah, the whole incident with him telling everyone he liked me happened in early October. It’s freaking January!?!? How much time does he need exactly? Or, how much time does he think he is going to have? So that’s why I was mad. But a deeper emotion came through; I wanted to stop thinking about everything. So I went to bed.

There I was, laying my head on my cotton pillow sheet. I closed my eyes. Slowly opening them, I spoke to myself aloud. ‘I’m just hurt…’ I was hurt because I hated not being in control of my relationships with people. I wasn’t used to it. That’s not how it was for me last year. I got to have a string of guys following me around. Getting to hang out with whomever, whenever I chose. I was in control. Of course, I was also being a b****, I later realized. I swore that the next year would be different. I wouldn’t flirt with every guy I came across, lead them on. Only to leave them in the end. No… instead, I’m here, up at 3 in the morning thinking about one guy. I started having a therapy session with myself out loud. Going over memories. Talking about how I felt when I realized that I did like this guy. Talking about my anger, and my sadness. But also, the good things I feel when I’m around him. I soon, got too lazy to speak. I just continued my thoughts in my head. Out of nowhere, I began to cry. Then I tried to hold myself back. I was in my room alone, but too embarrassed to let myself feel something. But I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I started to cry again, hard and then softer. I put my hands over my face. I was biting my lip the whole time. I just kept on replaying visual pictures in my mind. Kept on replaying the audio of people talking. People asking me, ‘so whatever happened between you and Zach?’ And all I can say is nothing.

It took 15 minutes I’d say for me to stop crying. But the damage was done, it was still there. Let’s just say, I had the worst sleep yet during my winter break.

I have five days till I have to go back and face reality again. Every day I will watch shows, or listen to music. They all give off this vibe, I can’t hold myself together. Not when I’m alone. All the thoughts just rush back into my mind again. That is why I’m writing this. Because it's distracting me from thinking. That is why I’ve only used the guy’s name once. Because, I can’t bear to go into detail about him. But let me tell you this, there was a time I did. I just wrote and wrote about all the little things I noticed. It felt so peaceful:

I see the way you smile when you speak
Your eyes light up and glisten
Like sunshine on a mountains peak
And seeing that just makes me want to listen
To every word you speak


So I guess all in all, I’m scared for that Monday to come around. For me to have to face everyone and everything. But most of all him. I don’t know if I can handle seeing his face. But even as I say that. I know. I’m great at putting on a show; I never let people see me down. At least not in public. As long as I’m going to school, dealing with people. I’m not going to be shedding any tears. Or hiding from reality. I guess that’s a pro and a con about me.

So lastly, here is my honesty:

I have never felt this way before. At least, ha-ha I don’t think so. He is where I go when I let my mind wander. I like him. I really do. I smile when I think about how I used to tease him behind his back, only to have him turn around smiling at me. His eyes lit up, his eyes really looking at me. How his voice naturally has this crack in it. As I would say to my friends, ‘honey on hot sand.’ That’s what it sounded like. How that one time, I wanted to run away from my problems. I chose to talk to him about them, thinking he would blow them off with me. When instead, he listened. He listened, and talked me down. Got me to relax. I wish I would have said thank you to him. Because he didn’t know that I was only talking to him because I thought I could lie my way out of being hurt. But when the time came, I was just tired of lying to everyone, and to myself. He was there. He listened. That is when I realized I liked him. I also realized then, it might be too late.

Life Goes On.