I don’t know what to feel anymore. I don’t know what’s real anymore.
I’m broken inside. Because you broke me. You tore me apart, into shreds, into threads, threads that were being woven into a beautiful tapestry. Threads that interwove hands and plans and you said you were mine, and all that time I believed our hearts would align. But I’m just wrong, I’ve been wrong all along and I stood with my palms facing upward, open and ready, unsteady but ready. I would have caught you had you fallen, would have sought you had you quit, and no I never would have forgot. You only had one shot to reshape our friendship into more, and hey it only took one shot to escape that seemingly locked door. But then I was locked in, and the air was getting thin and I couldn’t get out and with every shout pleading for flight, you only convinced me that in here, in here, that’s where there was light. With delicate bricks and fragile sticks I built up a wall between you and I. Eyes could see through it all and you made me feel so small, but this masquerade was just a charade to make me fall into love, or whatever that feeling was. There was something so appealing about that feeling where you only mattered, and I only felt flattered. But now look at us, look at us, we’re shattered. I pray you know that I’ll always remember September where rain tapped on the glass and you had so much to ask, and embers burned in our hearts and kindled a flame at that start. I thought it so strong that I see moving on will take many tides. Tides to wash away the chars and ashes staining my hands. I’m yearning for the burning to end. But I’m learning. Maybe one day I’ll have strength to call you my friend. I had no valid reason to be with you, but I still sang that ballad. A song which harmonized our worlds as they fell out of orbit and a song to tell the story of some kind of love. Love lived and lost, now walking away. I find myself grasping for your shadow, but only gasping in air that I just can’t swallow. And then what follows is this train of thought and I get caught in my own dreams of what if. What if this. And I miss, how I miss. As I travel along the path of my mind I find myself wandering and wondering what we could have become if the strands hadn’t come undone. I had no valid reason to be with you. You had no valid reason not to be with me. But yet here we are, both with scars, standing alone like strangers in silence not knowing what to say, and so we let love fade away. I’m not asking you to remember, but just please don’t forget.
I haven’t found love, or just haven’t found it yet.