~Sometimes in life, bad things happen to okay people. They get beat to the point they can’t move, manipulated to where their stuck in a maze of guilt and loss and emotionally DESTROYED so they can’t feel a thing, completely buried under the guilt, pain and horrors of life. I don’t write this for your “love”, I don’t deserve that, I just want the nightmare to end~

Mother: To care for and protect

Tears streaming down my not so green or blue eyes, I slowly strip down to my underwear. Stall, stall! I have to stall, save my own life.
“Mom, I love you”
“Shut the hell up faggot” Ice cold voice.
“yes, mam” I obey.
“WHAT THE F WAS THAT?! DO I LOOK LIKE YOUR F-ING GRANDMA?! GET YOUR FAT A--OUTSIDE NOW!!!!!!!”
“O-oh okay mom.”
I tense, I know what’s next.
Her hand flys back, WHAP! WHAP!

“Beat the fag beat, beat the fag!”
The sadistic screams echo over and over.

I fall to my hands and knees, on core. She takes her fist, raises it high above her black curly hair and smashes it into my back.

Humph! Stomach to the tile.

“Ph-ph-please stop mother” As I speak blood the color of her nails comes out my mouth and flows onto my bruised body.

I turn my head to look at her. Even after years of her meth addiction she looks like a angel. A Greek goddess in disguise.

“Get out of my sight you piece of s---!”

I crawl towards the white door and reach out for the gold colored door knob.

Instantly I freeze once the door open a crack. There’s a foot of snow outside the door, piled up just off the deck. All you can see is white, it eats trees and earth, not a house or a living thing in the world. I’m in a whole other place.

“What are you doing?” Her voice sends shivers down my spine.

I stand up half way and BAM! She kicks me over and over. Never ending sweeps, over and over.

All of a sudden it stops. She walks outside a few steps, talks me by the arm and yanks. Once my whole body is outside she leans over me, her vanilla/meth smell in cases me. I feel the warmth of her body.

“What’s wrong sweetie?” When I don’t reply she screams, “WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG YOU PIECE OF WORTHLESS DOG CRAP!” In she goes and out I stay.

Family: People there to protect you; people to love.

After that I got lucky, only having to stay outside for a day, she let me in. But I was still a bad, bad boy. Since I’m a pathetic loser I wasn’t allowed to eat for 3 days. To think all this started when I didn’t vacuum the brown carpet right; I needed to learn my lessen.
Even though we had nothing; only a dish or two in the kitchen, a rack in the spacious living room, a bed in all three bedrooms and that was it- as far as I knew. Never had I been allowed in mothers room. My sister I, Ariel, was though. She would tell me these stories of a bed big enough for two! And blue Walls with stars all over. The craziest thing she ever told me was that there was a actual room for clothes!! Compared to the bland of my room, just a simple small baby's bed and tarp to use as a blanket.
So naturally I was curious about the things Ariel told me, plus the fact that I was on awful person helped me do what I did next.
Mother told me to stay in my room, she even locked in. She also made it so I couldn't get out of my window, , little did she know during one of my outside punishments I undid the latch that killed the little hope I had of getting to the outside world.
It took me hours to get my window open. I still had to shake it, and pull it. Ariel's room was dark, she must have went with mother.

Love: Unconditional, forever; Brings a sense of warmth.

Since no one ever locked the door, I walked up the wide wooden steps to the front porch. One step, two. After five more in my bare feet I walked on in. Instantly fear breaks into what if she comes back?


I turn to leave but see something odd. I walk over to mom’s door and in a white bag see The Grinch. Not the older version of the movie but the newer.

Excitement fills my heart. I begin to wonder what other goodies might she have bought? My fatal mistake.
I open her bedroom just a crack. I’m suddenly seized by guilt.
I’m going against mothers wishes. Shame, shame, shame. The incident only proved how pathetic I am.

“Son? Honey what are you doing?” Her voice is warm.

“I-I-just got so so cold” theirs surprise in my voice. Eben at seven years old I knew she heard it

“How did you get in here?” Soft and creamy voice.

“The window” I look down ashamed and confused. Why is she being so nice to me? Bad kids, an it doesn’t deserve this.
“Oh honey! I’m so sorry for that. Do you think a hug and kiss will help?”

“Are you sure mother? I’ve been bad” I look up at her and see a tender love. My eyes glisten.

“Yes” Mother whispered softly.


A huge smile sweeps across my face and I run the 6 steps to her.



I wrap my arms around her waist and rest my head on her belly.



Our warmth connecting were combined. Artificial love mixed parent with child.

Suddenly I’m jerked around with my arms behind my back. She spits on me.



“Bad Kid!”



Tears now flow freely down my bruised streaked face.



She hits me open hand. Hard enough to knock me to my knees.

My 7 year old heart becomes solid. I leave my body to watch what’s going on.

Bam! Bam! Fist to my lets. Now I’m on my stomach completely. Whap! Whap!



You BAD LITTLE C--- HOW COME YOU WRECKED MY LIFE! YOU DON’T DESERVE ME!



Kick kick.



After taking me by my wrists mother drags me into the white tiles of the kitchen.



She takes the cheap glass of the counter then throws it at my stomach as hard as she can.

“Ha ha ha ha!” This is all your good for, freak.”

I don’t even know what’s going on anymore. I only feel her hate, see the devastating look in her eyes. I am the reason for her pain. Me. Mother knows I know this. She decides to teach me how bad of a boy I am.

Taking a hold of my ankles she jerks me to the dining room. on the way my side slams on the bottom of a wood counter.

She must have bought a table since I was allowed to eat last, a week ago.



“I spent 20 buck just so I could do this to you. Can you believe I went out of my way for you!? Now get up.”

Somehow I gather the strength and will power to do, so halfway. I will be a good boy and follow mothers rules.

Since the table was low I crawled on top. The cool fake polished wood on it felt good on my burning shin.
“Roll over” her voice is worse than frozen, it’s hot. Anger steams out in barrels. Ashes ooze out of her pores.
I comply dizzy not thinking much.
“Now put your arms on the outside.”
I can’t hear her, I can’t understand.
“WHAT DID I SAY!?!”
Lazily I nod my head to the left to look at her.
“Huh?” I can barely speak.
She leaves the room for a second and comes back with rope. Fear fills me partway, I can’t seem to stay focused.
Mother walks over grabs my hand the way you touch a dead body and ties me to the legs of the table. Walking to the other half of me she does the same with my feet.
I begin to shiver in my underwear and socks even though it’s hot inside. Goose bumps arise at the same time she leaves for a second time.
This time she went to her room. I hear rustling and a “good” before my sister appears.
“Look at him!” mother laughs.
My sister stares at mothers feet.
“LOOK AT HIM!”
Before mother can do or say anything more I start to sing to my sister.
“When the world falls you seem to fly-y-y. Ya shine so-ooh bright in the night, oh-whoa- whoa you make me feel right. Oh-whoa whoa how I la-la-la love you so-ooh.”
A silent smile creeps across my face. Sister would sing me that at night. That one simple song gave her permission to look at me. Gave her the strength to move on like it did me.
Outraged mother bellows. “WHY YOU PATHETIC LITTLE SHIT!”
She yanks Ariel to my room and locks it.
Sister kicks and punches it until mother threatens to kill her. Even then she continues.
I gathered yell,
-You make the night shine so-ooh bri-”
Mother lunges for me and smacks me. Blood oozes out of my nose, my mouth. It feels like it’s coming out my ill rotten teeth.
Mother stuffs the sock that I’ve been wearing for weeks off my feet to shove in my mouth. She seals it with duck tape and death.
Even more tears dump out.
“Now I’ll teach you” she takes out what she much have been looking for in her bedroom.
The blade licks my shins. A simple, tiny cut. No more than 3 inches long. When I don’t react the Way she wanted me to she pressed the blade into me.
Pressure is applied and her blade moves it over, back and forth. Over and Over.
The water dripping from my face mixes with the blood from my mouth. It sides down, the table to the red gushing out my back. Right above my butt. I squirm more than before as she repeats the process makes it a 30 minute constant in my life.

~~~After a total of seven cuts she finely stopped. In fear of getting caught she never took me to the hospital. I was tied up for another week only to be found by my case worker. For years before this they would have me live with her off and on, after the table accident I never saw her again. She was wiped out of my life for ever. I was adopted when I was ten years old by this ‘nice’ couple. I continued to be a ‘Bad boy’ so they abused me, not as bad but to me, it was close. I actually believed they loved me. Now, the people I’m with don’t hurt me despite the fact that I’m bad and I’m a failure but they are trying to help me recover. They say the love me but so did the last two. Hopefully, I will be able to help myself and be someone good. I just want to be loved, you know? Those who only help others and not oneself are man kinds greatest failures.~~~