By the time my high school career had begun, I felt as if there was a large, 45 pound plate attached to my back, weighing me down wherever I went (weightlifting is very straight by the way). This tremendous weight, combined with a perpetual unsettled stomach, one of which I can’t even begin to imagine the amount of butterflies there were inside, had officially put me in what the people whom I loved most were calling a “funk”. However, while I appreciated my family’s concern to identify my condition, I disagreed with it. Funk has a mysterious connotation to it, as if one doesn’t fully know why they are feeling the way that they are, and nothing about this so-called period of sadness I was having was mysterious to me. I knew I was gay and was worried about the reaction my friends and family would have if I were to tell them. My family was open minded and accepting, but I created nightmare scenarios in my head twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. While I wasn’t going to tell them myself, I still had to face the challenge of my sister’s self described gaydar finding me out. As a fixer, I decided that I was going to create a set of rules to hide who I was. After buying my diary (which by the same metric of which I made these rules is very gay itself) where these notes are directly from, I was able to record every genius tactic I used to hide who I was and became a master of camouflage in the vast jungle that is New Jersey suburbia as a closeted, gay teen at the ripe age of seventeen. Below are experts, from my gay diary, of rules which I lived by for over two years before I came out to my friends and family.

Entry #1:

Your room can’t be too neat. Neat things are gay. Throw your straight clothes and scatter them around your floor. Preferably they should smell too.

Entry #2: 

Don’t argue in Theology class. It’s not worth it. Who knows, you might actually burn in hell anyway. 

Entry #3:

Watch Football. If you live in a house like mine, this one should be easy because it is unavoidable. If you’re not interested in football (or at least one of the big four) people are going to get suspicious. 

Entry #4:

You don’t like reality TV. Andy Cohen is now dead to you. Sorry. Below Deck is allowed though. Pretend to be interested in the boats when you watch. Boats are straight. 

Entry #5:

No Interior design. HGTV is not allowed. Definitely not Fixer Upper. If you are too obsessed with Property Brothers that could seem a little gay too. 

Entry #6:

Pretend to be intrigued when walking by Victoria’s Secret in the mall. Do the opposite in the mens underwear aisle. 

Entry #7:

No fast walking. Unless you are running, walk at a pace that says you don’t care about where you are going. 

Entry #8:

You’re going to feel tempted to want to come out when you are alone with your parents in the car. Maybe it’s because there is nothing else going on. Don’t do it. 

Entry #9:

Broadway is gay. You could probably get away with Les Mis, the film version of course, if you really wanted to, but it's better to play it safe and pretend you don’t know what Hamilton is. 

Entry #10:

Iced coffee is not allowed. Hot coffee is fine.

Entry #10:

Minimize your amount of female friends. Having a lot of female friends and not dating any of them is like basically wearing a big rainbow target on your forehead.

Entry #11:

Stop crossing your legs. Manspreading is your new religion. Take up as much space as possible. 

Entry #12:

Baking is Gay. Grilling is not. No aprons period.

Entry #13:

Don’t get overly mad when someone calls you a f%g. Someone is going to say it eventually. It looks suspicious if you get too mad. 

Entry #14:

Traveling is gay. Don’t be too interested in European countries specifically. Those little speedos that they wear on the beach scream the g word. 

Entry #15:

Keep your instagram un gay. Follow ESPN and Barstool Sports. You can follow some of the Kardashians if you want. Just say that you think they’re totally hot. 

Entry #16:

Colleges can be gay too. If a school has a good football program it’s straight. Anything under 4,000 kids is gay. Choose wisely. 

Entry #17:

Range Rovers are gay. G- Wagons are too (Gay - Wagon). If you want a straight car go for a pickup. That’s always a safe bet. 

Entry #18:

Politics are gay. Don’t care too much about what is going on. The entire I don’t care attitude is straight actually. This especially goes for LGBTQ and Women’s Issues. 

Entry #19:

You don’t care about whether or not someone uses coasters. Coasters are gay. The more beat up a coffee table is, the straighter the people in the household are. 

Entry #20:

Photography is gay. Your pictures can’t be too good. Make them random and a little blurry. Take pictures like your grandma would. 

Entry #21:

Texting in all lower case is gay. Make sure you have caps on. Also, it's ok and not kk. 

Entry #22:

Food network shows are gay. Guy Fieri is straight but anything else is kind of gay. NO BAREFOOT CONTESSA. 

Entry #23:

Having a skincare routine is gay. Don’t care about your skin at all. The more acne the better. 

Entry #24:

Dunkin is allowed. Starbucks is not. 

Entry #25:

No eating Salads. Order a burger. 

Entry #26:

Drinking out of a straw is gay. Drink from a lid instead. 

Entry #27:

Drinking tea is gay. I don’t make the rules. I guess I actually do, but this one is too obvious. No drinking tea. 

Entry #28:

Wearing bracelets is gay. Definitely not any of those Lokai ones. 

Entry #29:

Never drive with two hands. Driving with two hands is gay. One hand on the wheel, one hand resting on the side of the door. 

Entry #30:

Band Aids are gay. If you have a cut, show it off. The weirder the color your cut is the straighter you look.

Entry #31:

Tanning isn’t just going to give you cancer: it’s gay. If you want a tan, take your shirt off and disguise it as playing sports outside. You shouldn’t be lounging out for the sole purpose of getting a tan.

Entry #32:

The treadmill is gay. Go run on some open roads in the woods or something. The treadmill is too safe. 

Entry #33:

No umbrellas. Get wet. Deal with it. 

Entry #34:

Don’t wear scarves. Scarves are gay. Straight people aren’t cold.

Entry #35:

Small meals are gay. Don’t go to McDonald’s and order a small meal. Large meals only. Burgers are straighter than chicken nuggets.

Entry #36:

No Pajamas. T shirts and underwear will do. 

Entry #37:

No colored phone cases. Actually, no phone cases period. Cracks on the back of a phone scream straight. The less functional a phone is the better.

Entry #38:

Caring about the planet is gay. Don’t use the term fossil fuels.