It was cold and windy that day, I was dreading the hurdles, I had to run at Lancaster, their turf field and the old and cracked victory bell. The more I looked at the track, the longer it had gotten, the farther and farther the finish line felt, but I only had my mind on one thing, a person for that matter.. March 29th 2019, first time I knew, I had a huge crush.

A week before, I had no idea who Brandon even was, to me he was just some 8th grader who ran track. The bus ride home from Jackson Middle School, he was in the aisle taking up all the room.

I scoff, “Can you please move?”

He grins at me and sits in a seat, my annoyance quickly turning into butterflies as I take a seat with my best friend Ella. I slightly blush and she teases me the whole ride home. It would be a whole weekend before I see him at practice again. Ella was always the type to tease, with her dark blonde hair and pale skin, her long skinny legs and wide strides, she was always a better runner than me.

That night and over the weekend , that quick moment had replayed in my mind on repeat, his soft smile. Brandon’s teeth as white as pearls and jagged like an iceberg . It's all I could think about. Saturday evening, he followed me on instagram.

I had only snapped him for about a week, but I knew I was falling for him. I tried to hide my feelings, but when I had seen him again that night at Lancaster, it was hard not to blush bright red. Brandon was the typical jock, towering over almost everyone he knew. 6’1, starting wide receiver. His charismatic looks and perfect brown ruffled hair wooed all the girls. I was tall for my age, but he would never see someone like me. My brown-rimmed glasses and dark complexion. A star athlete, way out of my league, my white beaten nikes and skinny jeans still too small. I didn’t even know how to straighten my hair. I could never compare to the girls with perfect straight hair and the pretty skirts they wore.

I had told Ryan, big mistake, she told Ben. Brandon's tall and nosy best friend. Ryan has alway been the best secret keeper, but not this time. Now the whole track team knew Iliana had a crush on him. Everyone except Brandon.

Eventually I was talking and texting and snapping Brandon almost everyday.
A week later, I can’t believe I kissed him, what was I thinking. A quick kiss, his pink color and lips soft to the touch. His cologne lingering in my face.

One day I had finally got the guts to tell him how I really felt. Brandon knew almost everything about me, and I knew almost everything about him. Would he feel the same? Or was he playing a cruel game and I was the pawn. It didn’t matter, my feelings for him were overwhelming and I couldn’t hide it from him any longer. I told him in the crowded Brookpark hallway, it was loud, noisy, It took me a while to find him in the crowd of people.
I grabbed his cold, icy hand and sheepishly told him,
“I really like you, more than just friends.”
He didn’t say anything, he squeezed my hand then let go. He turned away and I watched him walk off into the crowd of people. Did he not hear me? I cried in the bathroom. I just made a big mistake, and Brandon never brought it up.

We talked all summer and one night he told me that he loved me. That night he called me, I was so scared, so anxious.
“We need to talk.”

“I’m too tired, I have work in the morning, we can talk later.”

“It’s important, I need to tell you now, please don’t hang up.”

“Brandon it’s two o-clock in the morning, I have to go.”

“Nevermind, don’t bother calling ever again.”

“Don’t be like that, promise I’ll call tomorrow.”
I hear the dreaded click of the phone and the line goes silent. *bzz* *bzz*, my phone buzzes on the bed.

“I didn’t mean it.”
“Please, please, please call me back.”

I shut my phone off and close my eyes, I couldn’t handle this right now.
I didn’t think I would lose him, but that night I did.
He always told me he wouldn’t leave
He always told me he'd be here forever.

Weeks and months had passed. There was no contact, I reached out and told him how I still felt for one last time, I apologized for what I had done. He wasn’t having it, his heart had turned cold. Mine shattered with the words he wrote.
“I never had feelings for you.”

Like the autumn leaves falling from trees, my eyes did the same with tears. Throughout the cold and windy months of fall, my heart still ached. I’ll never know how he truly felt and I always think of what could’ve been.

In the end, we still stayed friends, I’ve always wished for more. Sometimes the people we meet aren’t always meant to stay. Throughout 8th grade and somewhat of my freshman year I gained love for myself, and realized what I wanted and needed when loving someone else. People are lessons, and they can teach you a lot.