In the blink of an eye, your life can change. It’s so unexpected that no one could have prepared you for it. It didn’t seem like a big deal the morning that my mom complained her back was bothering her or the hundreds of mornings before that. She had been having back problems her whole life. 

I was packing up my ballet shoes getting ready to head home after a long day. I got into the car, closed the door, and motioned for my dad to start driving. I couldn’t wait till this day was over. The day had dragged on for months, years, maybe even centuries. I kept zoning out during all the lessons at school and my sister continued to annoy me all day. I still had a mountain of homework that was piled on my desk and my room was a huge mess. Someone could have walked in and thought it was the city dumpster. It felt good to just sit back and relax. I stared out the window as houses passed by, waiting for my house to appear. 

“Mom I’m home!” I called out closing the door behind me. “Mom? Are you there?”

“Hey sis,” my sister called from the kitchen.

“What are you doing?” I asked, putting my bag down. 

“Cooking,” she replied, taking the fish out of the cooker. 

“You never cook,” I pointed to the empty table. “Where’s the food?”

“What food?” my sister looked around. 

“My favorite noodle dish that mom promised to make me.”

“Oh, yeah mom decided not to make that today. Just eat this.” She handed me a box of pasta. 

“What about you?” I opened the lid and started gobbling down the whole thing.

“I’m going to eat this,” she placed the fish inside the cooker. 

“Ok,” I continued to stuff my face with pasta. “Where’s mom?”

“Maybe you should go see for yourself,” her smile quickly faded as she kept her head down. The pasta in my mouth suddenly tasted bland. I felt as if I was about to throw up. A wave of worry rushed over me. What had happen to mom? Why was my sister making that face? Did something horrible happen? I couldn’t stop thinking about all the terrible things that could have happen to my mom. My hand was shaking as I turned the doorknob slowly. I creaked open the door. There she was, my mom, lying on the bed. As soon as she saw me she forced a smile.

“Mom are you okay?” I ran to her side. “What happened to you?” I held her hand tightly.

“I was fine this morning but before dinner, I wasn’t feeling very well so I decided to take a nap. When I woke up, I couldn’t get up. I’ve been here ever since.” she sighed heavily. I could see that she wanted to cry. She was holding back tears that she so desperately wanted to let go. I wanted to say something. Something that would calm her down but at that moment my mind went blank.

“You’ll.. be.. okay.. right?” I scrambled to find the right words. 

“Who knows,” her voice trailed off. 

Fear. Is it just a tale, or is it an event that might repeat over and over again? A feeling of agony and loss. That the world is going to end just because you’re scared. Does it only occur in nightmares? Is it a fairy tale that never gets its happy ending? Knowing, the more fear you have, the more vulnerable you become. I was that vulnerable person. Who had fears of losing someone. Fears that always come back to you. Knowing that you can’t do anything about it because one day your greatest fear will come true. It was as if someone stabbed a knife into my heart and let it rot there overnight without even caring about the damage it caused. I sat there in silence letting my tears drop, waiting for the words to come out themselves. 

“I love you mom,” I sobbed, hugging her tightly not wanting to let go. Tears rolling down my cheeks like raindrops falling from the sky. I wish that I could back to that moment. The moment when she first started having back problems. Maybe if I had helped her, things would have turned out differently. But I couldn’t change the past, I could only continue moving towards the future. 

I gave her one last hug and headed down to my room. The night was no longer calm and I felt lonely. Instead of sitting down at my desk watching videos and relaxing, I had to take care of everything- washing dishes, folding laundry, cleaning up the kitchen, and organizing the living room. I had to do everything my mom did, and on top of that my homework as well. 

Eventually, my mother’s back healed and soon she was able to work around the house again. This time, I decided to help her. I started to sit down and hold a conversation with her. That smile that disappeared for months was brought back by my presence. Whenever I saw her, she looked much more cheerful than she was before. It was as if a genie had come and granted all my wishes. 

Fear was starting to become an old tale of the past. Learning how to overcome my fear helped me connect with my mom again. Maybe all this time it was my fear of changing. Trying not to be that one person who spent all their days chatting and hanging out with their friends. That one person who was always on their phone. 

I never seemed to care about the dishes that were filling up the sink, the laundry that was piled neatly on my bed, or the house that was always spotless whenever I came home from school. All those little things she did for me. She made sure the fridge was always full and that I had lots of clothes to wear. But did I ever do anything in return? I just complained and argued whenever my needs were not satisfied. I just kept asking for more and more. The more I had the more I wanted. I never even thought about the hard hours of work she went through just to get me a useless toy that I was going to throw away in a few months. I assumed that if my mom didn’t get me something I wanted, that she didn’t love me. I threw fits and tantrums forcing her to say yes. But now I want to change, forget my old self, start from a new beginning. So that I can write my own happily ever after. I’m choosing to be different; to be strong, to make my own decisions. I’m walking a path that not many would choose, to give myself the future that I’ve dreamed of.