A Better Me 

“Oh my God. Why do I keep f-----g up man?” I asked Victoria on FaceTime. “That’s literally not even bad Darby.” She would respond in attempt to make me feel less guilty. It really wasn’t that bad but to my parents it was. I once again opted to wait until the last moment to do yet another essay… that I didn’t read the book for.

 In English class last year, we read a book called The Pearl, and wrote an essay over it; however, I (for some reason) decided sleeping outmatched reading the book with the class. I didn’t even have to read it outside of class, all I had to do was follow along. The only thing I remember from that book was some kid named Coyotito, I think. When the time came for writing the essay on this book, I struggled. Bad. I had to go based off of the small parts I did read and my notes. I ended up having to read more of the book on my own time when I really didn’t have the time to. I still got an A on the essay but I felt rushed and stressed out trying to fabricate something that I didn’t have the right amount of knowledge on. I felt guilty. I remember my friend saying, “Darby, this is actually pretty good for not reading the book.” I felt accomplished because of that statement, but for the wrong reasons. I should’ve felt accomplished for writing an essay that was good over something I actually put effort in. Instead, I felt accomplished for working under pressure and doing something I didn’t have enough information on. I knew that I needed to do better. I need to try harder, well I was trying hard… but only so I had an essay before 11:59.

It’s not that I was a bad student, I just could’ve put more effort in. I’d wait until the night before to write an essay when all I had was a rough draft. Although my grades were still somewhat good, this caused my GPA to drop to a 3.42. I was very unhappy about that, yet I still didn’t do anything to change it. 

I used to “reassure” myself by saying “Well at least I’m not failing like some kids.” That wasn’t doing much though. I shouldn’t be concerned with failing when having good grades is an expectation in school and an expectation from my parents. School was alright but I just felt like I wasn’t doing enough; I felt unproductive. 

I would babysit every once in a while but I usually had no money. This kept me from being able to do some things with my friends. I had to go to my friend Areanna’s surprise birthday party and it was at Chilli’s. I needed to pay for my own dinner and most of my other friends either had jobs and had their own money or their parents give them money when they wanted it. That didn’t come about often for me. Usually, the only time I have money in my wallet that I haven’t earned is on holidays when my family gives me Christmas money. My parents have taught me that it’s important to work for my own money but also to save it responsibly. The saving part didn’t happen much last year, I would spend money on things I didn’t need all the time. They weren’t completely useless things, I just didn’t necessarily need them right away. I said that I would get a job but I never did. I ended up asking my younger brother for money for my dinner that night. I shouldn’t have to do that, he’s my baby brother; I should be the one lending him money. I told him I would pay him back; it disappointed my mom just a little bit, but I really needed to pay for those honey chipotle chicken crispers. It was kind of embarrassing but I didn’t want to miss out on her surprise dinner. It was a surprise birthday party and I couldn’t miss something like that. Taking my brother’s money made me realize that I need to work on my money management. 

Ultimately, I was unproductive, didn’t care much and had miserable money managing skills. 

I had strained relationships with some friends as well. I had a friend, Ayri, that tried to come in between Maddie and I. That didn’t slide. It evolved into ridiculous and unnecessary drama in our friend group. There was a lot of jealousy and disrespect between us. Last year turned into having a lot of fake friends and talking behind each other’s backs. I myself turned a little fake. I decided that I didn’t want to spend the whole summer being friends with her. I told her why I didn’t want us to be close anymore. Whenever I was around her she would gossip and it turned me into a gossiper as well. I didn’t like that about myself. I didn’t want to be that kind of person. When she was with Maddie, she would purposely post things to try and make me jealous. It was petty and not needed. I told her that although I didn’t want to be close for those reasons, I would still be there and we could still talk every once in a while. I didn’t want to be rude, I just didn’t want to be that version of myself. Since I knew that I would have a class with her the next year, it would be awkward if we just ignored each other when we spend the whole morning together. We now talk and it’s alright but I think she may have also realized how she was acting before, especially since other people besides me cut her off. I think that moment was the turning point for when I decided to better myself and my relationships. I also progressed because of someone else as well. I had known Brandon since I was about 5 because I lived down the road from him but we never talked that much. But last year we got to know each other and started dating. Seeing how responsible he was with school and his job made me want to work on myself as well. I started saving my money and taking more babysitting opportunities; I started trying new things. I was much happier. He makes me a better person and I’m so very grateful for that. 

This year has been a total 360. I knew that I was growing up and I couldn’t be a kid forever. I needed to be more responsible and mature. I had to start making adult choices since that would be my future in just a few short years. This summer I worked my butt off babysitting, I still didn’t have a job but that’s because I went on a trip almost every other week. It wouldn’t make sense to get a job and not even be available to work half the time. 

I continued to work towards getting my license, I used my babysitting money to pay for a car battery since that was the only thing I could afford to contribute. I started caring more about certain things, I would spend more time with my brother. We either get along really well or we’re screaming at each other. He started football this summer and I would go and workout with him. I was actually being a pretty decent sister. I encouraged him, even when he thought it was a good idea to go running in khakis. “Darby! I think you were right about my shorts. My balls feel like fire ants are on them!” he screamed down the road. I thought to myself “Oh wow, would you look at that… I was right.” I’m sure that that detail seemed inappropriate but I was scarred by him screaming that in front of my neighbors so someone else needed to hear it and be scarred as well. I got closer to my friend’s again now that a certain someone was gone. Maddie and I basically lived at each other’s houses. We went on three vacations together this summer. Brandon and I’s relationship got better and better. I constantly told myself that this year was going to be my year. Everyone says that junior year is the hardest, that scared me. Especially because of the year I had prior. I eventually got my license, started school, started the career center, and I finally have a job. I remember my dad being proud of me and saying, “With an attitude like this, you’re sure to be successful in your life.” I was happy with myself. I felt like I was finally doing something… like I was finally growing up. I’ve never missed a homework assignment (ha, until now as I edit this rough draft late), had all my papers done on time, with As. I’m doing good in school and I’m proud of myself. 

Over the summer, I almost in a way had an epiphany. I NEED to work hard this year. It’s my junior year, I have the SATs, I have to start focusing on colleges and career paths. I’m an upperclassman now, I feel obligated to go to more school activities like more football games and the dances because once I graduate I won’t have that anymore. I have to make this year MY year. Balancing everything in my life has gotten harder but I accept the challenge. Brandon’s at college now, with having a job now I usually see him once or twice a week. It’s okay though, we’re making it work. I’m also really busy now that I’m not procrastinating but it’s also teaching me how to handle having a lot going on and managing stressful situations. Junior year has been a learning experience so far and it’s alright because it’s going to be MY year.