Dear Anxiety,

The last time we spoke was this morning when I went to McDonald's to order a coffee. You made me repeat my order to myself about 100 times just so that I could forget it when I pulled up to order. I stuttered, blushed and profusely apologized to the lady before I sped away embarrassed and angry at myself yet again because you always seem to come back. I could go days without you showing up, making me think that maybe I’m getting better - maybe the medicine is starting to work, just for you to come back and hit me harder than ever before. Every time you show up, I shake uncontrollably, hyperventilate, the room blurs, and everything in sight starts to get smaller and smaller until all I can see is black.

That being said, you are apart of a very powerful organ - one that controls everything I do. You can be great sometimes, you can shelter me from bad situations and from saying things I would regret later on, and sometimes, you can ruin my whole day. You fill my brain with dark thoughts and terrible images that I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy.

Many people describe me as an impulsive, outgoing, and an energetic person. People who really know me, know that I am almost always anxious about something. I could be stressing over a simple test, a fight between me and some friends, relationship problems, or family matters. Most people probably think I’m annoying and act the way I do for attention but in reality, I act on impulse because I’m afraid I’ll regret it if I don’t. I’m loud because I’m afraid my voice won’t matter to anyone. I’m energetic because I’m afraid if I’m not, I’ll fall down into the deep, dark hole of depression once again. I wasn’t always like this, I used to be the shy girl who wouldn’t talk to anyone, who was always trampled on and used for everyone else's needs and wants.

Just last week, I had one of the worst panic attacks I’ve ever had - and it’s all because of you. It was as if I was in the eye of the storm with the world swirling around me. I stood in the center while millions of vulgar words and terrible things were spiraling and every once in a while one would fling out and hit me. Every word was like a bullet, and I kept getting shot down. Soon enough, I was on my knees, numb from everything. After the constant beating slowed down, I could finally look up and see people around me looking concerned and scared, staring at me as if I was a monster.

This type of thing happens quite often between you and I, and I’m not okay with it. I just want to live a normal life just like the rest of the world. I want to be able to go through the day without worrying about everything around me. I want to be able to walk through the halls without worrying about if I look weird while walking. I want to be able to participate in class without worrying that everyone around me thinks I’m stupid when I answer something wrong. I want to be able to wear whatever I want without thinking I look terrible all day.

So, thank you for being in my life. You’ve kept me out of some very bad situations, but you’ve also kept me from some things that I’ll never get back. I understand that sometimes, you’re trying to protect me and keep me alert of my surroundings, but I think I can handle myself from now on. We’ve been together for too long and I think we’re better off without each other.

In best regards,
       NH