It’s finding out that the person you love so much can’t save you. It’s realizing that you used to stay awake dreaming of their smile, and now you’re crying yourself to sleep. You discover that you’re hanging on, simply because you don’t know how to let go. It’s losing yourself trying to find a way to make it work. It’s the fake smiles. It’s remembering when you were happy. It’s being willing to do anything just to go back in time. But if you went back, what could you change to fix it? Because no one deserves to be hurt but it is worth the strength after? It’s waking up and seeing for the first time that everything is falling apart. It’s knowing the person you love the most hurt you more than anyone. It’s wondering if they’re doing it on purpose. It’s wishing they were still here despite…everything. It’s keeping secrets. It’s letting yourself getting hurt more and more every day. It’s lying to yourself.
I wasn’t lying when I said I’d do anything for you. Or when I said I wanted you to be happy. Or that you were amazing. You stared into my eyes and I told you that you were the best thing that ever happened to me; I pulled you close and whispered in your ear, “I love you” – three words that got harder and harder to say. I said I needed you, and I swear I meant it. It wasn’t lying when I said you hurt me. I gave you my heart and I wasn’t lying when I said you broke it. The only time I ever lied to you was when I said I was okay. Oh, darling little white lie, I used it to protect you and to convince myself. Maybe I could be strong for the both of us, if I told myself enough that I could. Maybe I just wanted you to figure out that I wasn’t, to read me like I read you, like you used to. And it hurts now when you say that you don’t care, and that none of it matters, even though I know you’re lying.