The tears I so long to feel flow down my face never come. Like a lover waiting for their other half to arrive, I lie down with all the pain and emptiness, except, for me, the tears are a lover long past that shows no signs of a return. As the lump in my throat grows, so too does the sadness and frustration, a whirlwind of emotion that is fatiguing on an extreme level. I can not find any relief and that is what truly hurts the most. This ceaseless torment chips away at what little strength I have, and what strength I have measures little. The sense of feebleness over takes me, thoughts of worthlessness and cynicism play on the record of my thoughts, and the most disappointing assessment of myself leads me to the culmination that I have thoroughly failed the ones I care about most. I hold myself to a higher standard that I have yet to reach and everyday that I fail to achieve those standards is another day I allow myself to disillusion those who matter. My actions that I take speak in volumes and the words I articulate amaze those around me but for me they are just more examples of how I have not obtained my maximum potential. For me, I need to already have maxed out on that potential and have begun creating and doing the wonderful and world-altering things that are expected of me. At the end of everyday I reflect on what I have achieved and, more importantly, what I have not, and I break myself down for not being where I believe I should be. I have to be better than my mother in all of my actions, prove to my father that I will make something of myself, write marvelous pieces of writing that contain pure emotion and truth to my grandfather and great aunt, and to my friends I have to continuously demonstrate why they enjoy being around me. But no matter if I truly did reach those goals for the day I always come to the conclusion that I could have done some things differently or better. I guess I have realized that due to my lack of self confidence, I am my own worst enemy. Am I the one causing all my pain? Is there not an outside source that I can learn to control that will help me free myself from the anguish that afflicts me? If it really is my own fault, who can I turn to for help? Will I even be making the right decision of who to seek out? Cause I have already make questionable decision in the past, and if I really am the tormentor can I trust myself to be doing what is best for me? Even still, to seek help is to accept that I am not good enough, and I most definitely do not want that feeling to consume me. Too many people in my past have been the source of that feeling and to allow them to regain power over me is one thing I will never consent to again. So I remain lying down, caught in a viscous cycle of wanting to take action but the action is never good enough, nor is it an action I feel I can assent to within myself. As I desperately search for answers one solution persistently reoccurs, it is that of death; suicide. Provided that I can not trust myself to make the right decisions with my life, maybe creating a situation where I no longer have to make them would be a more ideal circumstance for me. All the pain, sorrow, agony, desperation, disappointment, and frustration would be over, and I would finally feel the blissfulness of peace within myself.