In today’s world, you hear a lot about exactly how to do something. You get it from everybody. Your teachers and friends and parents, those red hexagons telling you to “stop” all the time when you’re driving. Pffff. Well sometimes, you need to focus on opposites to achieve what you want. Sir Roger Bannister took a week off of running before he ran the first sub four minute mile, and when a guy has “Sir” in front of his name, you had better not doubt him. So in this world of “here’s how you do this, here’s how you do that,” let’s focus on some “here’s what you don’t do.” Let’s focus on the negatives.

Managing Your Time

Do not sleep. The first mistake people make when managing their time is sleeping. This is an absolutely terrible idea. Experts say people waste up to eight hours a night sleeping! This is ludicrous. All that time could be spent doing stuff! Besides, think for a moment about how terrible you feel when you wake up after a night of sleep. You just want more, don’t you? Sleep is addictive! Now the next thing not to do is listen to your body, because your body clearly isn’t aware of the upcoming deadlines. You will feel very tired and have absolutely no energy- but don’t fret. These are only withdrawals from weaning sleep out of your life. You’re going to find that you want to invest heavily in energy drinks and coffee to counteract your withdrawal symptoms, but it’s important to fight this urge. Those things are real bad for you, because they make you want to pee, and peeing takes time. Avoid friends and family as well. They will tell you all sorts of stuff: “spend time with us,” “we’re worried about you,” “don’t you care about us anymore?” You’ll soon start hearing the famous “go to sleep” and “see a doctor,” but ignore all of this business. You have stuff to do! Your loved ones just want to take up your time. Time you don’t have.

Babysitting

First of all, do not literally sit on the child. If this isn’t obvious, please refrain from babysitting. Also be sure not to do this alone. Once you have your partner, it is important that you do not help them. Avoid the urge to take care of the little poopers until your partner is hoarse with rage, screaming things like “DON’T PUT THAT IN THE TOASTER!” and “THAT IS NOT THE BATHROOM, TIMMY!” After this goes on for a while, your partner will be classified as “the bad guy” in the kid’s books. Now, it’s important to not look your partner in the eyes as you approach the children with your sweetest voice, totally playing “good guy” with them and proceeding to eat Oreos until your time is up. Do not split the pay evenly.

First date for a guy

Absolutely do not let your lady or know that you are a goofy weirdo. That is not an insult, it is just a fact of life that we are all simply goofy weirdos, and that needs to be hidden at all costs on your first date. Code black, lock the doors, burn the papers kind of hidden. It’s also vital that you run away from any other aspect of your personal life. These details will be slowly and painfully revealed as you two love birds spend the rest of your life together. Remember: you are perfect on that one night. Do not let them know that your hair does not always look that good, or that that is the only dress shirt you own (and there’s a stain on the bottom), or that you aren’t going to eat for a week after paying for this meal. Don’t laugh too much, don’t talk too much, and whatever you do, do not show affection. However, it is important to be sure that you aren’t not laughing at their jokes, talking too little, or not showing enough interest. You can not afford to screw this up, man.

First date for a lady


Just try and put up with him.