The holidays are a time of cheer and joy. They’re a time for all to eat far too much and to celebrate. They’re a moment in the year set aside for family, friends and merriment, time for generosity and cheer that makes us smile and love along with the rest of our family.They also have the tendency to get absolutely ruined.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is famous for three things: food, meeting with family, and consequently, family troubles. To begin with, you have to realize that food is to Thanksgiving as diapers are to babies. If you don’t have it, you’re in for a big old hullabaloo, an absolute destructive mess you have no hope of ever cleaning up. There’ll be poop too, lots of it. If the turkey is overcooked, you had better find a place to hide from your Great-Aunt Gertrude, because you know they call her “great” not due to family bloodlines, but because of her colossal girth. Don’t you dare freeze the gelatin either because your eight year old cousin will absolutely microwave it for about 20 minutes. Speaking of which, it would be wise to note that your family does not love you on Thanksgiving. Instead, it is the time of year that they will ask you every question under the sun, and, oh yes, they will proceed to go all Judge Judy on every answer you dare to utter.\
“Where are you working?”
“Oh, well, I’m kind of caught up between sports and school right now, so…”
“You know in my day, my dad would hit me with a hot iron if I didn’t have a job.”


“I see you have a girlfriend!”
“Oh yep, this is Suzan.”
“Oh lovely. Hey Suzan, maybe dress a little more conservatively at the dinner table, hm? I think I can see your arms in that T-shirt.”

The crap tends to hit the fan once words (or silverware) start flying amongst family members. One aunt is a Lions fan, the other is a Packers fan, and neither of them are even aware as to what a “first down” is. Then you have Uncle Jerry, who hits Uncle Bob in the face over the last slice of pie, and of course Uncle Bob kicks Jerry in the head, but you suddenly realize that no one knows who Uncle Bob is, or why he’s there, and it’s all really quite the dilemma. Problems like this can cause you to not really be all that thankful for that fourth Thursday in November.

Christmas
Christmas is the holiday. The lights, music, cheery atmosphere, the giving and receiving of presents, emptying your bank account, these are all part of the Christmas experience. Sure, your girlfriend bought you the ugliest sweater of all time for a present (and you bought her a car), but that shouldn’t ruin your Christmas cheer! Oh and maybe it wasn’t the best idea for your little brother to put a goldfish in a box and tell you that “You can’t open it until Christmas morning!” but don’t let it ruffle your feathers. Of course you shouldn’t sweat it that you just lightened your wallet about a pound by buying your Aunt (who recently decided to go bald) a basket full of assorted shampoos, conditioners, and brushes. It also might have been a little offensive to send a postcard saying “Have a nice trip!” to your grandmother who recently fell down her stairs, broke every bone in her body, and isn’t able to go on her traditional Christmas vacation, but you shouldn’t lose any sleep over it. You had better chow down on some Christmas cookies though, because after all this good cheer and giving, you’re most likely not going to have the money for little things like food and electricity for a couple months.
You needed to get out of those holiday fat pants anyways though, right? So don’t you give it another thought! It’s Christmas!


New Years

New Years Eve is where everybody following the our calendar takes a breath and says any variety of things, things like:
What a year!

That was crazy!
Well that sucked.
Looks like they’re having fun.
You smell funny. Remind me to breathe with my mouth.
Where am I?
Why is everyone yelling! I SHOULD YELL TOO MRAGHAWAHAAHA!
New Years resolution! Lose 30 pounds! Now somebody hand me that pizza!
The time machine worked!
~Snore~
What do you mean, “Wake up, I’m missing it?”
Guys shut up, it’s my mom on the phone!
No mom, that guy didn’t just say, “Hey I found your ear,” you can relax.
Seriously guys, I’m gonna ask her out. Tonight. Tomorrow. Later, I’ll do it later.
YEAH NEW YEAR! Watch this!
Get an ambulance!
New Years has a certain quality about it. It has that stay-up-until-you’re-delirious, lose everything you own, make empty promises kind of magic. Of course, it’s entirely possible to miss out on the experience. Falling asleep before midnight is one typically sad way to go. This doesn’t mean you should go out and party though, because you need to enjoy the night responsibly. You shouldn’t stay home all alone either, or with only a couple friends, that’s just lonely. For an ideal amount of fun, you’d get a whole bunch of people over. Of course where you have a whole bunch of people, you need food, beverages, and music. Make that music loud, actually, so loud your neighbors get very annoyed. It’s more fun when somebody is getting bothered. Don’t sweat what goes down on this night either because it’s like you’re getting a fresh start once that clock strikes 12, right? Might as well live it up for what’s left of the year. Whatever you do though, don’t party.

Happy Holidays!