Are you tired of being left flabbergasted and red as a sun-burnt shoebie after losing argument after argument? Have you had it up to here with that na-na-na-na-na-I-beat-you content smirk that your opponent emanates with pride after quarrel after quarrel? Are you about to handcuff yourself to an iron flagpole in fear of seizing your so-called “opponent” by his/her smirk, little ankles, rotating your arms in 360 degree circles, and releasing so that he/she rockets through the heavens and wakes up in a remote Indian civilization in Madagascar? Before you rip your hair out of your scalp and lock yourself away in your Victorian-style, three bed, two bath cottage, listen to these three simple steps to ensure your victory in every argument. First and foremost, stay calm while trying to frustrate your opponent. Second, study your adversary, and try to take out their defenses. Last but not least, be spontaneously cruel. In a nutshell, the way to an argument’s victory is through a level head, some sneaky tactics, and the willpower and determination to win, be victorious, and to finally be able to give a na-na-na-na-na-i-beat-you smirk that comes with the winning!

Since the dawn of time, men and women have struggled with keeping their head in a heated argument. Even in literature the heroes and villains lose their temper and lose their case. Look where Alice would be if the Queen of Hearts didn’t fall off her rocker! In every argument, the key to success is a level state of mind. To master this, you need to do something a little unorthodox, which is suppressing your frustration. Even if you get passionate about your point, you must stay cool and in command of your emotions. When your opponent notices that his words are bouncing off of you like bullets off of a Kevlar vest, now is your time to strike. Deliberately provoke your adversary. Find something that makes them angry, and keep wheedling away on this point until they lose their temper, and thus the argument. If you lose your head-you lose.

In 1519AD, the ancient Aztecs were visited by a large group of conquistadors led by Hernan Cortez. The Aztec ruler, Montezuma III, welcomed Cortez with open arms. However, when Montezuma’s guard was down, Cortez grabbed his knife and jabbed it into the king’s royal heart. In a nutshell, this is basically step 2, except for the whole “I’m going to kill you” shindig, unless you’re into that sort of thing. The second strongest method in winning an argument is to make your adversary let his/her guard down so you can theoretically “stab them in the back”. To do this, ask questions. If you can ask the right questions you can stay in control of the discussion and make your opponent scramble for answers. It is crucial that you agree with whatever your enemy spews out of their germ-infested toxic speaking crease, because; remember that this topic is all about having the other trust you. After they notice that their rushed lie was accepted as something substantial, their shield will be lowered, but not enough for you to be able to strike…yet. Next, make it seem like you are looking for a win-win. Give off the impression of open mindedness, and make it seem like you care by saying cliché sentence quotes such as “That’s a good point!” or “I agree!”. Finally, their shield has dropped to the floor. Your window of opportunity is open; pounce at it like a rabid cheetah. Exaggerate their position on the topic. Take it way beyond its intended level, and then show how ridiculous and unreasonable the person is. After this, immediately contradict confidently. Vigorously denounce each of your opponent’s arguments as fallacious without even pausing for a break, breath, or blink. After this, with your opponent’s “I…uhhh…but..uhh” retorts in mind, assume that you’ve won. Because chances are, either one of three things happened. A) Your enemy walked away a hollow shell of what he/she used to be. B) he/she had a nervous breakdown and is now being treated at Shore Memorial Hospital. C) You didn’t feel like reading past the first few sentences of this paragraph, so you took the knife mentioning seriously. Either way, you won your case.

The final tactic is the most extreme, and the most reliable. If you see that your opponent is making your case sink like the Titanic, you need to spontaneously combust into a barrage of cruel, sick, and twisted insults. Now, for educational purposes, all so-called “potty insults” will be replaced in this article by common household objects, in light of the graphic words being too…well… “graphic”. For example, if you adversary starts to make a remark on how, let’s just say, blue Gatorade gives you Cancer, and they have the sources to prove it, scream that he/she is a bronze doorknob. If they begin on how Smart Water comes from the sky, and have labels to prove it, call them an IKEA refrigerator. If they try to convince you that a badger is a “large bear or lion,” try to convince them that they are a talking salt shaker who has a recurring role on Blue Clues. If your opponent bursts into tears after being called a box of Toaster Strudel, you’ve done your job.

Now, you have learned one of mankind’s most valid and important skills. Yes, more important than surfing the web. Yes, more important than learning how to use the new version of Facebook. Yes, more important that breathing! You, my friend, have just learned the ancient art of arguing.