Where have I been, what am I doing, where am I going? These questions have been occupying that tiny little space in my brain for quite some time now. I'll probably ramble on a lot but there is so much I need to get out on paper. I've been having such drastic mood changes lately it scares me, especially when I tend to be one who is rather upbeat. I feel that lately I just have no control over any situation. Almost like a piece of paper you drop outside on a windy day and just when it's almost in your grasp, the wind picks up and whisks it away from you. That piece of paper contains the very secrets that would keep me sane and together.

I've been really good about going to my AA meetings, but it's so hard to stay sober during your high school years. You tend to feel very left out. I dragged myself to a semi-formal dance and had an okay time, but once again I was faced with a situation where there was drinkin' and druggin'. It's just so hard. I used to be the one who got so trashed that I was the center of attention, and I was the one who would do all the stupid things that made conversations funny the next day. When I was drunk I felt I could be anyone or act any way. Being sober in that same situation makes you aware of how you are acting, what you are saying, and how you are feeling. When I was drunk I just didn't care. Drugs and alcohol to me were an escape. A vacation from reality. Needless to say I managed to slip out the dance rather early with only one type of drug in my system. A Tylenol. One day at a time, kid.

It's my senior year and this is the year of parties, graduation, prom, all that wonderful stuff that tends to be incomplete without a Bud in hand. But then why does it have to be that way? Be an individual. Be sober. Set an example. Do it for yourself. One day at a time, kid.

I feel that ever since I've been going to these programs I've been isolating myself from people. I feel that once people find out that I'm not a big partier, they'll think I'm blah and say to hell with you. My boyfriend has also been sober for quite some time and let me tell you, we have to be pretty creative about our dates. We work together to help each other to stay rather sane. One day at a time, kid.

Frequently I'll meditate just so that I can clear my mind for a moment. I think of the times when I was young and in health class learning about the evils of drinkin' and druggin' and I remember how my friends and I would laugh and say "Oh Mrs. Smith, we'll never be that stupid. Forget this chapter, will you!" I try and put myself into the frame of mind that I had back in sixth grade when I felt that way.

I'll never be cured but at least I am aware of my addiction and I can realize that yes, I have a problem. As we would say in A.A.: My name is _____ and I'm an addict. fl