August 1998

The house was hot. She sat up in bed, her hair and clothes clung to her body despite the aggressive whirring of the ceiling fan. While grasping at the damp fabric, her gaze shifted to the sliver of sunlight leaking through the tan drapes that swept just above the ground. She followed the rays of light with her eyes, its soft glow illuminating the person beside her. She turned over carefully, gently moving the covers as she braced her weight on the mattress and began lowering her feet to the floor.

The floor was cold, sending a small shiver through her previously overheated body. She found herself studying the colorful scarf draped around her Mother's head. It was coming undone, but she had no intention of fixing it and waking her. She bent down to pick up the side of the comforter that had been pushed on the floor. She had probably kicked it off in the middle of the night. She often did this when sleeping in her Mother’s room. She began to tuck the sheets back in, gently pulling them close to her Mother's face and letting the fabric fall. On her way out, she stopped at the door when she heard the shift of weight and the crinkling of sheets that she had just tucked in tightly into the mattress.

“Jamie?” she paused in the doorway and turned her head slightly. “Yeah, I know. Sorry.”

 Jamie reached her hand out to flip a switch, stopping the consistent whirring. She made her way to her bedroom, fanning herself with her hand then brushing her damp hair off her forehead. Disgusted with her current state, she adjusted the almost impossible thermostat. Everyone, but her Mother thought it was unbearably hot in their house even though there were three people in the house. Her father worked a lot so “everyone” included herself, her Mother, and brother. When he could, their father would take off work on the days their Mother needed her treatment.

Jamie opened her bedroom door to find it exactly as she left it. The bed was made. Her blankets and comforter were tucked neatly, with her pillows placed in their normal places. She rarely slept in her room anymore. She slept in it a total of two times, either way, that was when she first came home. The times she did succumb to her exhaustion, fear slowly seeped into her mind. Sleeping in her own room didn’t seem like an option when the nightmares crept in. She feared walking up to something horrible. Jamie began fumbling through her half empty drawers. She glanced over at the suitcase that held the packed clothes she brought home from school. She would get to those eventually. She changed into clean clothes and then walked into her kitchen. Her pantry, refrigerator and freezer had been filled with food that people from church, neighbors, family and friends had given them. Half of the things that were made for their family, were picked at a bit or the whole dish was thrown away. Some people were not the cooks or bakers that they claimed to be, but it was the thought that counted. Before her Mother got sick, she spent her spare time in the kitchen cooking and baking. Jamie used to come home from school as a young girl and toss her school bag on the floor. She would skip into the kitchen and be hit by the smell of her Mother’s fudgy brownies or the mouthwatering aroma of her chicken and biscuits. When Jamie was old enough, if she wasnt practicing soccer, she was inside mixing dry ingredients and reading off measurements from a stick of butter. Nothing anyone ever made her family could even come close to her mother’s talent. Maybe it was because she could taste the pity.

She wondered what went on at home when she was away at school. It weighed on her mind that her Mom had been alone by herself. It was fall of her junior year of college when her Mom first got diagnosed with colon cancer. She had been sick leading up to the diagnosis and had only been relaying information through phone calls. Coming home to help take care of her seemed like the best option after hearing the news. Her Mother wasn't capable of doing much and the chemotherapy that was eventually going to make her better, was attacking her whole body. She rarely ate either, which didn't help. Jamie would make sandwiches and place them on her Mother’s nightstand and would return a few hours later to find it with a few bites taken out of it or none at all. It hurt her to see her Mother in such a vulnerable state. She admired her Mother's strength throughout her treatment, but seeing her unable to do the things she used to do with ease, scared her.

Jamie retrieved bread from her pantry and placed two loaves into her toaster and began shuffling through the packaged meals  given to them, trying to find peanut butter. As she waited for her toast to be done, she tapped her fingers on the counter and allowed her mind to wander. 

Jamie glanced over at the telephone. She was waiting for a call from her boyfriend. They had been dating for a little over two years now and were in love. He lived in Chicago, and they tried to see each other as much as possible. He claimed the drive to Michigan wasn't bad, but she knew it wasn't ideal. Jamie's attention shifted when the familiar shuffle of her Mom's slippers entered the kitchen. She turned to see her Mother with her scarf redone, a smile on her frail face. 

“What are we eating?”, she asked, reaching a hand out to rub Jamie's arm.

Surprised, Jamie answered with a gesture to the cluttered countertop and pantry and laughed.

“Anything you want.”

April 3rd, 2001

Her hand wasn't warm like it normally was. It was cold and pale. She looked at her Mother as she lay in the large bed. Her brother Shaun sat beside her holding their mother's other hand. Jamie looked at Shaun, hurt and pain hiding behind his strong expression. Her Mother started to speak softly, but Jamie barely heard a thing. She just watched her Mother. The hospice caretaker, Sarah, had been there earlier that morning. Sarah and her Mother spoke for a while. Jamie didn't exactly know the topic of the conversation  but assumed it had something to do with her mothers health. That's all anyone talked about.  Their Mother had undergone chemotherapy and radiation three times since being diagnosed. During that time, Jamie and her boyfriend Daniel had gotten married. Sure, they were young, but they knew that they were it for each other and that they wanted to get married while her Mother was still around. Jamie and her brother spent as much time as they could with their Mom and lived life with their family as if every day was a good one. Jamie often found herself studying her Mother. She once had beautiful hair. She was beautiful, but Jamie was filled with guilt about how hard it was to look at her Mother some days. She was pale and her bones made impressions through her skin. Her scarf was the only thing that brought color to her appearance. Around her eyes were permanent shadows that made it appear that she had been awake for weeks. Which was true. Her Mother had not slept for a full night in a long time, and neither did anyone else in the house. She didn't even look like her Mother anymore.

— — — — 

She had only left the room for about twenty minutes. Doing what? She couldn't remember, but when she returned to her mother’s room, she was speaking in a soft voice to her husband. Shaun stood at the doorway off to the side, with an expression she was unable to read. She watched as her brother stared off into empty space. She wanted to know what was going on in his head. Ever since he had joined the military, he seemed cold. She knew those kinds of things changed a person, but she had never seen it first hand. Jamie and Shaun were never super close, that was until they both got older. The timing of their Mom getting sick forced a new relationship. Jamie followed his line of sight to where he watched as their father held their mother's hand, rubbing his thumb across hers. Their father looked over his shoulder with tired, puffy eyes and swiftly wiped his face with his sleeve.

“Jay, I don't want them to see,” their Mother breathed.

“Okay.” her father said, nodding while wiping his eyes with the sleeve of his shirt. He turned and ushered Shaun and Jamie to come closer. His face was streaked with tears as he stood and pulled both of his children towards his wife.

“It's time,” their Mother said shakily, reaching out to them. Jamie reached out with her hand and knelt down beside her bed. Shaun did the same, and they both cried. Jamie brought her mother's hand to her lips and planted a kiss then looked into her mother's eyes. Her mother's eyes seemed to be the only thing that were familiar to her. The only thing that the sickness didn't take. Her once strong and bright Mother looked back at her with a somber smile. 

“I love you both unconditionally.”

“Mom, I'm not ready for you-” Jamie said through sobs.

“I know. But it's time.”

“I love you, Mom,” they said in unison.

 Jamie was suddenly lifted from underneath her arms. She turned around to find her brother's blank expression gone. Grief was all she saw looking into his eyes. Shaun pulled at Jamie's arm to lead her out of the room, but her feet stayed in place.

"C'mon, we gotta go.” Shaun pleaded with her. Jamie turned around and walked briskly past her father and out of the bedroom. She sat outside the door against the wall with Shaun as her father went back once more, followed by Sarah. The two sat in silence until it was broken by her father's voice.

“I’ll see you again. I love you Bon.”

Sunday, February 27th, 2005

The clock read 8:45 a.m. when Jamie gave birth to twins. A boy and a girl. They were small and only weighed a few pounds. They were born two months early, resulting in them being placed in the NICU. After being taken care of by a team of doctors, Jamie and Daniel were finally able to see their newborns. Two nurses walked in, each holding a different colored bundle, smiles on their faces as they looked down at the infants. A nurse walked over to Jamie’s bedside and gently placed the boy in her left arm and the other nurse placed the girl in her right. She cried as she looked at her children. She smiled up at Daniel and gestured to him to take one of them from her arms. He picked up the girl and held her close and placed a kiss on her head. He gazed at the child and the corner of his lips lifted. Jamie noticed his expression and tilted her head to the side.

“What?” she asked, carefully adjusting the boy's cap on his small head. Her husband looked up at her, his eyes crinkling at the corners.

“She looks like your Mom.”