In Spanish it means ‘she’ or ‘her.’ So plain. 

Ella. It’s almost like there is something unsaid—but it wants you to know that. 

It’s like the number 4, or maybe a bright yellow. Like the sunflowers always searching for the sun. It’s like the happiness of waking up on a Sunday morning to the smell of cinnamon rolls. It’s like walking into a dark house, then seeing all the lights come on and your friends yelling “Surprise!”

It was my great great grandma’s middle name. My mom told me it came from a beautiful, famous, actor So that I would like it more. I used to think it was ugly. 

I didn’t know much about my great great grandmother but the stories are amazing. A bold, independent woman. She didn’t want to have to depend on a man. Made her own money and provided for herself. She didn’t want to be a housewife. Until she gave up her independence for her children. She was just selfless like that. 

Her courage is something I aspire to have one day. Risking her happiness, for someone she hasn’t even met yet. Purely out of love. She aspired to be confident and happy on her own. Proved that she didn’t need a man. But she was happy in the end with a family. I want the boldness and sweetness of the name to fit me. 

Now I see Ella as bold and sweet.  It has always been sweet. Like when you go out of your way to stand up for what you believe in. That is Ella. It’s like coming home after a long day and seeing flowers waiting for you. Or walking into your grandma's house and the smell of cookies encasing you. It’s like saying something that is brutally honest but needs to be said. Those represent Ella.

I enjoy my name, it is simple and silky. Like hugging someone you love. Waking up and watching the sunrise. Or seeing satin fall off a table. But it doesn’t fit me. 

I am the complete opposite of Ella. I am not plain. Nor am I a bright yellow. Yellow is too happy to fit me. I never leave anything unsaid. I am more like a hammer— blunt. I have ridged edges, kind of like a square. But unlike her I am scared to grow up. A fear she never had. I don’t know another name to fit me though. Naming isn’t as easy as it seems to be. So I think I might just stick with my name. Ella. It doesn’t fit me but it will do until I make it fit me.