It hard.
It's hard when you have life summed up for you. Summed up into a few different situations. As if everything always was repeating itself. Always the same.
Sometimes I see these repeats. I
see them in my life. Maybe I even I look for them. As they come with a song. A summary about them that I must have
heard before. Like its so much easier for you. So much happier, having things summed up. It makes life more magical. More real. More happening.
Like theres a purpose. A plan somewhere. I know this because we sometimes get a peek of it. Like when the bad stuff
ends up being good stuff. You get to see the point of the bad stuff, and how it was all organized nicely.
But then, sometimes it doesn't work. Having things summed up for you. Feels like everything is just the same, and it's always going to be, no matter what you
do. A few tweaks here and there, but basically the same. It's not right. It's not because everything is, actually, different. Every barbie that comes out
from the Mattel factory is, actually, different. You may not see it, but it's still there. Especially with humans, us. Every heart is different. You can
operate on it, treating it like its the same heart for everybody. But it's not. Its like, sometimes we need heart diseases; to remind us we aren't the same.
You can treat things like it is . But its not right, because every sitution is different.
Every situation.
I say, and feel, as if I'm different, but in a way I'm the same, because if everyone is different, everyone is the same. Thats kind of why I always wanted
to be an actress. You really truelly, get to always be somebody different. A different life in
every movie. At least for a little while. When it's done you can just go home and get right back into your own. Everyone wants to be somebody else, just
not for too long. But its not that easy. It can't be. Every situation is different, that one is too. You know, I'm just sitting, right here, in my seat.
Maybe you are too. But I'm not just sitting here. I'm lost in the United States of Leland. Or maybe just where the writer of the United States of Leland
wanted me to be.
I've wanted to see this movie for a long time.
I think get it. And it's different. It shows how everyone differs. The sadness, is what differs. It's their happiness level.
The movie shows that. If you measure people by sadness, everyone will be different, but you just end up seeing so much of it. It drives you nuts. And this
one kid understand it, maybe just end the sadness for one kid. That the only happiness he can really give someone, true happiness, is by putting them out of
their misery. Killing them. Makes sense, technically.
But then I disagree.
If you look at the world full of sadness, you lose the whole point. Like a cake. A cake is just starch, which tastes like nothing, and the stuff humans love
and get a lot of enjoyment from; fat and sugar. Humans concentrated the things they want most and is the best. Like when you watch comedy central.
You hear and see things that make you feel embaressed, so that you can laugh. And laughing makes you feel good.
Because you like feeling good; happiness. And we're so used to it, moving the enviroment and concentrating the 'good stuff' to make us happy, that when
something isn't completely happy , we get completely sad. Technically, this should all make sense. If something stops being happy, you turn unhappy. But
why turn everything unhappy? Thats not what the world is about. Thats not the whole point. There's another one.
Everyone has a purpose, some sort of plan. Or else they wouldn't be here. And that purpose can't be just being happy, and then being unhappy. There has to
be some sort of point. Something. It's just....
Nobody knows it.
I have, to my knowledge, only one life.
One.
And if I don't know the point of anything, then what the hell should I do with it? What will make sense? What will matter? What will have a point?
Is it maybe going to the army/Fighting? Dying because of a certain hate, pride and stupidity between two or more nations? Is perhaps becoming a doctor/
Saving? Saving the ones who say they deserve another chance in life and should be saved? Do they? Or what about protecting my species and/ Teaching?
Teaching the future what to do and how to make things better? But do I even know what that is?
I don't know.
But i Wish I did. I wish I knew what matters. I wish I knew what was different. What has a point. But then again maybe I don't. Sometimes I just want to
hear that song, that magical summary. Forget about all the complex things, and have things simple. But, it's not true. Things aren't simple.
Maybe we should write better summaries.