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Beating Anorexia MAG
“You can sit there. The doctor will be right with you.” The nurse gestured me to the waiting room. Come on, do I really need to be here? I'm not sick enough to be here.
“Jane! The doctor will see you now.”
Great … The office door closed behind me.
Let me explain how I got here. I'm a dancer. I've always had problems with my weight. I was never fat, just chunky. I always felt self-conscious in my leotard. I think that's what triggered it. One day, at the end of freshman year, I told myself I was going to stop eating and get skinny. So that night I skipped dinner. And that's how it started. I would skip meals or throw them away. I drank a lot of water and ran on the track at school during lunch.
It felt so good to see the pounds melt away from my body. I was invincible. But in reality, I was ignoring the symptoms I was feeling. I was light-headed, dizzy, cold, and tired. By now it was May, and I was always absolutely freezing in school. I wore two sweatshirts and was still chilled. But I was losing weight and that was all that mattered to me. People were noticing too. All of my friends told me how great I looked. It was such positive reinforcement. Only they didn't know that I wasn't just exercising – I was starving myself.
My parents started noticing when I was at the point of no return – the point where I couldn't go back to regular eating. They said I was getting too skinny and needed to stop. They took away my gym membership, like that would make me stop. In fact, I started eating even less because I couldn't work it off. I was so preoccupied with my weight and calories that I avoided my friends. I would never go out to dinner with anyone. The friends I still talked to were annoyed with me because all I would talk about was dieting.
School ended, and I went to summer camp. It was perfect. I didn't have my mother monitoring how much I ate, so I did what I wanted. I didn't eat much, and when I did eat, I had salads. No dressing. When the two weeks were up and my mom came to get me, she was shocked at my appearance. I was skin and bones. You could see my back bones through my skin. I was so proud of myself, but this was the last straw for my mom. She made an appointment with a doctor.
At that first appointment, I weighed 104. My mom was shocked and angry with me. I had lost 21 pounds in a month and a half. My doctor went on and on about how my weight was too low for my height – like I cared. I loved to hear that. By this time I was sick. I had anorexia.
I spent the next few weeks doing exactly what I had been doing – not eating and lying about food. Then it was my first day of summer dance classes. I hadn't danced for about two months. The first thing my teacher said was, “Jane, you're looking very thin. Are you eating enough?” It was a serious question, but I smiled and nodded yes. I was so proud of myself. A week into dance class, my teachers asked to talk to my mom and me. They told me I looked very unhealthy and that they didn't want anything to happen to me. This meeting made my mom cry. I hated that. My mom made another doctor's appointment for me.
At the appointment, I weighed 99 pounds. I had lost another five pounds. I tried to hide the smile on my face. But this time, they took my vitals. My temperature and blood pressure were both low. My heart rate was low. My body was starting to shut down. I knew this too. Now I had to have weekly doctor's appointments to make sure I wasn't dying.
I lost more weight. I was 94 pounds, and I had never been happier with myself. My mom set up weekly counseling sessions with the school social worker. The counseling did help. We found out why I was doing this. It really had nothing to do with food; I needed control.
What really hit me, though, was when one of my friends said she didn't want to be my friend anymore. That way, she explained, when I die, it won't hurt her as much because it wouldn't be her best friend who had died. That got to me. Then another friend said, “You will die if you keep going.”
Hearing my friends say this changed me. Slowly but surely I started to gain some weight back. Let me tell you, it wasn't easy. I hated stepping onto the scale and seeing 100 again, and then 105. All that hard work was being ruined. My favorite feeling used to be my stomach growling. But I had to let it go. I didn't want to lose everything I had.
I started gaining weight and people starting telling me how beautiful I looked. So I became healthy again, and my vital signs improved. This made everyone happy. My mom was happier, my friends, my doctors. I'm still recovering, but now I know I need to stay healthy for everyone who loves me. But most importantly, I need to stay healthy for myself.
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This article has 206 comments.
This is great! I'm so happy you turned down the healthy road. I kinda know how you felt when your stomache growled and it made you feel good. I have no doubt that at 105 your beautiful!
Stay healthy because healthy=:D
this story was beautiful.
im a thin girl thats always struggled with eating & control issues (never as far as yours got) & reading this really helped me.
:]
I loved reading this. It was incredibly real, and serious. How you were on the verge of life or death, and how you CHOSE to be on that incredibly scary balance. I am soooooo proud of you and happy to hear that you are recovering and doing well. It makes me sad (and makes me sad) that when people are already really skinny, they feel the need to be skinnier..that it's never enough. Simply skinny to everyone else, is no longer your goal. starving, dying was what you wanted. and it's so empowering to see you recover, especially when you realized you were losing all that you loved and all that you had in the world. and not only were you hurting yourself, but others as well. i wish it could have been enough for you to try and get better because you needed to do it for you. but sumtimes, sadly, it's not enough. you need to do things for others. anyways, congratulations on your recovery.
my family thinks that i don't eat enough, which i think is absurd. they think i'm too skinny when i know im just average. but then i find that everyone thinks im really skinny. and sumtimes (like you said) that's all the motivation and "complements" (in our mind) that we need to CONTINUE on getting skinnier. when we once strived to lose those "so called 10 lbs of chunkyness", then when that goal was reached..it merrily wasn't enough. you were on a role, and nothing could stop you. no one could stop you. and i don't knw anyone that suffers from anorexia, but hearing your story, and the process you went through and how it literally consumed your life, to the point where you could die? that's sumthing that really makes me think. it makes me sad, and it makes me happy that you're doing better. but most of all? it makes me scared by the harsh reality that it sheds on what teenagers (or anyone in general) feels about their body. the extremes we'll go through to meet our personal ideas of "skinny", or perfect perhaps. and it makes me fear for myself, becuase your story makes me realize that i never want to be that way. and i mean that in a thank you way:) for showing me that i wud never want to put the ones i love through that, but least of all myself through that. great job:)
i recently joined the site and i submitted a lot of my work. but barely any or it has been published yet. however, two of my pieces have, and id love if you viewed them and told me what you think.
great job!!
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Favorite Quote:
My Cinderella. She is real. She exists. I pray for her constantly. May God satisfy the desires of her heart, draw her close, consume her. May He claim her passions, her identity, her refuge, her hopes, her strengths and weaknesses -Adam Young