SAN DIEGO, CALIFORNIA—Cautioning that this will affect the enjoyment of millions of vacationers, experts reported Monday that the Pacific Ocean, an ocean that provides temperate waters for humans to frolic in, is getting too warm.
     

Researches claimed that the Pacific Ocean—which typically rests at a comfortable 70°F in the summer months—is slowly rising in temperature due to melting ice caps and foul pollution.
     

“The Pacific Ocean is refusing to take into consideration the effect this has on vacationing humans,” said disappointed physical oceanographer, Jane Mar, who has studied the relationship between the ocean and the atmosphere and how this relationship influences climate. “Humans have swum in oceans for hundreds of thousands of years, and what do we get in return? The ocean is blatantly disregarding any good memories we’ve had in order to further its own agenda of warming up. What a jerk.”
   

 “The increase in pollution levels is obviously a result of humans, but instead of punishing us, the goddamn ocean should be thanking us,” Mar continued, gradually becoming as salty as the sea. “Each year, humans provide the ocean with millions of gallons of rejuvenating oil that essentially moisturizes the waters and exfoliates sea life. In addition to that, the sea life also benefits from some of the decorative toys that humans generously leave behind, such as bouncy Styrofoam cups and shimmering plastic soda rings.”

After briefly stepping out to calm her senses, Mar returned to explain that the Pacific Ocean is only one of many oceans that are raising the temperature of their waters, effectively aligning to revolt against the innocent humans. This trying time will exhaust humanity’s resources and emotions for the next several years.

Since this is a sensitive topic, experts have tried to describe the process behind the rise in temperature and what can be done to prevent further increase.

“The melting of glaciers and ice caps is a direct result of climate change. Because there is no longer enough ice to keep the waters cool, the oceans are warming up,” declared glaciologist John Hielo. Hielo has studied ablation for 25 years and can accurately explain the science behind it. “To put it simply, the constituent particles in frozen water are broken down to the point of instability due to the application of heat that creates a high amplitude of thermal vibrations of atoms and subsequently lowers structural block connectivity. Basically, the ocean is being a jerk.”
     

Luckily, scientists claim to have found a solution.
     

After years of intense research, experts are now requesting the government to implement a new law that would help regulate ocean temperatures. This law mandates the return of ice to the oceans by requiring every beach vacationer to bring his or her own tray of ice that will be dumped into the ocean. If everyone follows this new law, the continuous flow of ice cubes will eventually cool down the ocean’s temperature, and climate change will successfully be thwarted.
     

The majority of the population agrees with this solution, given that most believe it utilizes the ingenuity of the world’s best engineers and is the most valuable use of our resources.
     

“I’m not surprised it has taken this long to devise a solution. A complex chemical process demands a complex method of combat,” Hielo stated. “We are outsmarting the stupid ocean, and it will never think to cross us again.”