Let me tell you a secret. Come on, get close. You ready? Everybody on this planet farts! I know it might be a huge surprise, but it is the cold, hard, smelly truth. Think about it, even the most famous people in the world pass gas. People such as: Oprah, The Queen of England, and even the president of the United States of America pass gas. Now that I have let this idea sink in it is time for me to get down to the nitty gritty. This is that there are many types of farts: some big, some small, some loud, some soft, some make you want to rip your nose off, while other not-so-much. I bet you didn’t know that a lot of gas that we pass actually has a name and a subcategory. Not every fart we make is simply just a fart. There are several different kinds of farts. Many have their own smells, and levels of intensity. Now on to dissecting just a few of the many gasses that we pass. Enjoy.

The Schoolyard Fart

The first, and most common type of gas passed, is the” Schoolyard Fart.” This fart is most frequently found in a school setting— hence the name. This type of fart is extremely silent; you cannot hear it even in the quietest of rooms. This form of flatulence has the silent but deadly factor (SBD). Even though it is inaudible, it has a lethal smell. It smells as if a child has sat on your lap and completely let one rip right on you! The most shocking fact about this fart is that no matter where you are in the room, the smell will eventually crawl up into your nostrils and stay there for minutes. This is however, the easiest type of gas to get away with! Since the smell completely floods the room, it is nearly impossible for the culprit to be caught.
The Percolator

Have you ever heard the sound of coffee percolating? If not, it basically sounds like a constant bubbling sound. The Percolator is one of the longest farts one can produce. Most of the time people do not even realize this fart is occurring, because the sound of chatter, or the sound of a car engine, masks the noise. This fart surprisingly takes a long amount of time for the smell to reach your victims. On many occasions the “Farter” can pass gas and leave the scene of the crime minutes before the smell is discovered, leading to an uncertainty of who the culprit is.

The Trumpet
Sadly, this form of gas is the most humiliating, and even worse, it happens when you least expect it. This fart is extremely loud and obnoxious. It is impossible to get away with “The Trumpet” because of how tremendously loud and blunt the fart is. Regrettably, “The Trumpet” is sounded when you least expect it such as: at school during a test, bending over in a quiet room, or even during a sneeze. Along with the loud blast, an unpleasant smell follows rather quickly. The smell is defiantly unpleasant; yet, not as toxic as the “Schoolyard Fart.” Since this type of gas is wildly unpleasant, here is a helpful tip; as soon as you hear a trumpet sound and if you are not near a band of any sort, run. Run fast.

The Trickster
This is where it gets rather complicated. You pass this form of gas and everything seems okay; no sound, no smell, no embarrassment. You take deep sniffs through your nose, but all you smell is your perfume. Well, this is when “The Trickster” strikes. About thirty seconds after the gas is passed it smells as if someone set of a giant stink bomb. Everyone around you starts looking around commenting on the awful toxic smell, leaving you with one option, sit there pointing at the person next to you while trying to look innocent.

Well, there you have it. A sneak peek into the world of gas. Not every cloud of gas that you produce is merely a fart. It has a name, an identity. The term “fart” is so cliché. Hopefully next time you either pass gas or a merely a victim you can identify the exact type of fart you are experiencing.