Am I even my own person? I am not unique and when I find someone that I admire for their individualality I try to act like them. Who am i? Really who in the freaking world am I for real? I know I’m not my old friend or even my current friend, but I do try to act like them.
My current best friend, she is quirky as can be. So I try to be. She loves music, classic soft rock to be specific, like The Beatles. So I start listening to that kind of music. One part of me that I know is not from her is that I prefer hard rock more than that soft stuff. The soft stuff is only okay.
Then there is my old best friend. She wrote perfectly and got very high grades. So I started to write very neat and as perfect as I could get it to. Since I wasn’t as smart as she was I copied off her work. Dishonest, I know, don’t remind me. I know it was wrong to do, but I had to try and be perfect. She was bisexual, so I started to I was too. When I was not, I am straight.
Another friend is my red head. She was into classic rock too. But she didn’t mind being her complete self. I envied her for that. She had it rough, and yet she stayed strong. She was stronger than I could ever be. She didn’t even care about her weight, about how she used to be a model but, now no longer could be. She lost her figure due to depression. A depression she went through before we ever met.
I remember watching this one girl in the 6th grade, all the boys were wanting her and none wanted me. I observed her and watched what the guys liked in her. She was playfully mean. She would be a tomboy and hit them and call them names. I wanted that more than anything at the time, was to be liked and accepted. So I mimicked her. For me it didn’t work, I came off as annoying.
All of these little bits and piece of other people live in me now. I can’t seem to get rid of them. I forgot who I was. Or even I was even an i.
Who am i? I keep taking characteristics from people that I admire. I try to be them. I try to mix all of these peoples personalities into one. Will I ever find the real me?
I know you people must think, I am so naïve and superficial and all but, you’re right. You’re absolutely 100% right. I lie to those around me and even to myself. I [pretend to be someone I’m not. Something my boyfriend really hates in people. I don’t know what I would do if he ever found out.
Judge me all you like, I don’t care. I know you, the person who is reading this stupid thing is trying to find a way to fit in. to find a way to be accepted. I know, don’t try to hide it. It is hard I know. I am sorry that I am to no help. I just needed to get this off my chest.
I want to change, and be the real me. But I am afraid that people will shun me if I have that sudden change from fake to real. Life is full of mistakes and I have been living with this one since I was like 7.
I wonder what got that idiotic idea in my head in the first place. The people I want to be are not the people I am. I know that. The hard part is finding that person that is the real me. It’s something that I can't have help with; it’s something I have to do all on my own. I just hope it won’t take too long. I hope the people I love will accept me.
I will try to be nice. I will try to be honest. I will try to go with my true opinions. I will not listen to those who look down on me. I will try to accept compliments more often. I might be a little bit more girly than what I think. I might be smarter than what I give myself credit for. I won’t give a f*** for the people who put me down.
I will actually try to make my own friends, instead of people introducing me to theirs. I will take a stand. I will say no. I will not accept put downs and unwanted touches. I will live my own life and not someone else’s. I have to be me and only me. If you can’t accept that, then screw you. I don’t care what people think anymore.
I will not be fated to be an alcoholic or to be a yellow smoker. I will not let my family traits to define my fate. My fate is held within me. I don’t only want to be me, I need to be me. I hope I can keep most of the friends that I currently have. Especially my boyfriend. I just hope he will understand.
Thank you for taking your time to read this load of nonsense. I know I am not the best writer in the world, but I try. Writing is something I haven’t told anyone about. It’s just something that I like to do, that’s all. There are many things I have not told even those closest to me, and I don’t know how to tell them or even if I should tell them.
Things like I feel like I betrayed my him; all because a guy touched me inappropriately without my consent. He grabbed both of my breasts and my butt. It made me feel very uncomfortable and I felt like I was a cheater, but I wasn’t cheating. Another is how my boyfriend made me feel used. He tried to make out with me in public where people could stare and get grossed out. He was so toothy and I just stood there not doing anything and having him trying to suck my face out. He turned something that is supposed to be special into something that I dread. I can understand that he was eager and all but, the me doing nothing should have hinted him on that I wasn’t in the mood.